Stop comparison in your 20s.
This week is about:
The formula to easily figure out the impact your family upbringing had on you, so that you can move on from it.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
The stuff that really matters.
Hey Friends,
If you say you’ve never compared your life, achievements, appearance, relationships, bank account to someone else..
You’re either lying, or you’re a perfect alien (not a human).
We all compare.
It’s deeply, innately human.
Human beings want safety, connection and control.
Which is manifested in our obsession with what other people have, our own goals and how we stack up.
But apart from the lame advice of just..
”Don’t compare yourself”.
Are there more tangible, effective strategies to manage the comparison trap our brain falls into?
Yes, yes there is.
I’ve been comparing myself for likely 25ish of my 29 years (sad but true) and I talk almost every day about comparison anxiety with my lovely clients.
Here’s my take.
This week’s qu is…
I’m feeling stuck in life. I don’t know how to not compare myself to others based on relationships and career.
❤️
Comparison is so sneaky. And so real.
Especially when the life you thought you’d have by now hasn’t quite arrived.
A huge part of growing over the age of 20 is discovering what beliefs have been projected onto you
(family upbringing, societal expectations, friendship circle norms)..
and doing the work to explore what you actually believe in and want to intentionally invite IN to your life, not just passively go along with all these expectations.
Most of the markers we use to feel successful or secure?
They’re literally made up.
So your job now?
To sort through it. And figure out what you actually want.
Not what’s been projected onto you.
Not what you feel behind in.
Not what would make your ex or friends or family be impressed.
Just you.
🌀 Here’s where to start.
Two questions to ask yourself this week:
What am I chasing just because it seems like the “right” thing to want?
What do I actually not care about — but feel guilty for not achieving?
Start there. Let some stuff go. Let the pressure melt just a little.
Then you’ll be left with what you do care about.
And yes, that’s the hard part.
Because that’s when grief and longing can show up.
Maybe you do want the partner. Or the family. Or the job.
And someone else has it.
So… what do we do with THAT leftover stuff when you’re like “but I DO want it!!!!”?!?!?!
👀 A: Feel it (without spiralling)
Instead of trying to be “above it” or saying “it’s fine, I don’t care,” acknowledge what’s true..
Acknowledge the purpose of these sensations and mental events.
Accept them as natural (shitty) consequences of being shown exactly what you do want.
“This hurts because I care.”
“I’m being shown something I deeply want.”
“This ache is here to reveal, not to shame me.”
Don’t let it spiral into becoming a personal failure.
Don’t let it become “there’s something wrong with me.”
Let it be more like..
Crying if you need to. Journal, talk to someone about it, breathe through it, go do something valuable you love to healthily distract yourself.
B: Take action — then close the loop in your head.
The goal here isn’t to do something so you can make it happen instantly.
It’s about doing something small and then reflecting on it so you can actually feel proud of yourself, no matter the outcome.
Otherwiiiise, what happens is:
You pour all your energy into trying to force the thing.
It doesn’t go how you wanted.
You feel disappointed.
You spiral. And suddenly it’s not even about the original thing anymore, it’s about feeling like a failure.
Taking action and pausing to reflect brings your power back. It grounds you. It closes the circle. It’s what makes everything feel a little easier to cope with.
And most importantly, it shifts you out of rumination, comparison and low motivation. And into movement. Real, aligned, self-honouring movement.
The antidote to spiralling is closing the loop.
What’s one thing you can do today that aligns with the version of you who has the thing you want?
This is gonna sound a little cringe but truthfully..
It’s befriending the sad, angry, jealous part of you.
Making them do something productive.
Accepting the unfairness of life’s successes sometimes.
And bit by bit by bit…
You’ll let go of the comparisons.
Or at least know how to manage them when they attack your brain.
Warmly,
Ellie x
Thanks so much for reading.
💡
If you want to keep the ball rolling..
Here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
1. Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
How you compare yourself to other people often has it’s ugly little claws in our subconscious (our upbringing, past relationships, friendships).
If you find comparisons really hard to shake - I’m here for you when you’re ready.
Book a 1-1 session here.
2. Have you got your own question or issue you want help with?
💌Submit it anonymously for next weeks newsletter!
3. Extra reading/listening…
Comparison Will Kill You - Do You F*king Mind
Just listen to this podcast ep.
Over and over.
That’s all x
Need more support?
Check out my offerings below to get you to the life you have always deserved 💌
Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
I’m here for you if you need.
Book a 1-1 session here.
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
