How to Talk to Young People about Sex
+ Why the latest stats are a cry for help
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from my professional newsletter.
The Professional Cocoon is for fellow professionals working with young people, every fortnight I share my latest tips and insights for you to use in your practice with young people this week.
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Working with Adolescence Masterclass for 2024!
Friday, 26 July 2024
10:00 am - 1:00 pm, 3 CPD hours (attendance certificate provided!)
For counsellors, social workers, psychologists and related professionals working with teens.
Covering rapport building and how to master social and developmental challenges that come with
adolescent clients.
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What’s the latest news on young people..
How do we keep young people safe by having supportive conversations about sex?
Here is my take and professional recommendations as a therapist specialising in youth,
after working with 100’s of teens who are on social media.
Strangulation is becoming more common in Young People having Sex
I know…
Let’s all take a collective breath and not panic too much.
This week, a study from the University of Melbourne found more than half of young people aged 18-35 are using strangulation during sex.
Personally, I still count up to the age of 25 “adolescence”, despite the legal definitions (due to brain maturation), so this really got me thinking about the young people we see and care for.
The key part of the study that stuck out to me was:
”..strangling during sex is common, but the understanding of risks is low”.
This says to me that young people are not making informed choices.
Given their developmental and social development primed for risk taking, this isn’t a huge surprise for us counsellors.
But, as an adult who want the best for our young clients…
I’m worried.
I’m worried because they do not talk about these things with adults.
Where do they get these ideas?
Their friends and the internet.
Who are they not talking to about this stuff?
Responsible adults who want to keep them safe.
Teens are having sex.
And if they are not, they’re exposed to conversations at school and online about sex by around years 5 and 6.
We hope that schools provide sufficient sexual education by the age they are engaging in sexual behaviours, however I can almost guarantee that kids either:
1) Do not engage in sex ed enough for it to sink in and be enough
2) Do not speak up in these environments when they have questions or issues, due to fear of being judged and awkwardness
Teens are curious, open and keen to explore random, taboo things.
In safe environments, this is natural and a key part of healthy teen development.
But, in environments where they only talk about sex with their equally misguided friends and the internet/unlimited access to porn…
There is great potential for harm.
So, here is the approach i’ve been taking with young people in sessions for years.
We cannot shy away from awkward conversations with teens, especially where misguided sexual activity is concerned and we are likely the only confidential, safe adult they may feel safe to explore these issues with.
A resource to use when navigating challenging/awkward conversations with teens engaging in sexual behaviours
Here is how i’ve approached it with my young people if they give me a disclosure of a sexual nature or we are talking about sex in another context..
1. Check for consent, legalities and safety of the young person.
Don’t panic or go into intense interrogation mode, but a little like a duck peddling fast under water and maintaining a cool, chill composure…
Clarify:
What do they mean by “hooked up” with?
What do they mean by “got” with?
What did they do when they were alone with that person?
How do they feel about the person they were alone with?
How old was the other person?
A lot of the time teens will omit information.
Not to lie maliciously, but maybe to avoid saying out loud what they may know is not right or safe.
Always. Clarify.
2. Encourage explorative, curious conversations.
Normalise this stuff can be a bit awkward.
For example, I may say…”I know it’s a bit awk to talk about this stuff, so you can just nod or shake your head and we can move on”.
See what they offer.
See how their body language shifts when they discuss it.
(Expect an amount of awkwardness obviously.. but is there fear or real discomfort?)
Reconfirm with them that as long as they are safe, you are there to be non judgmental and not tell anyone else.
Then..
3. In line with what they offer..
Engage in what I like to call….
”Casual Psychoeducation”…
AKA like when parents stick veggies in meals that seem yummy and not healthy..
But… there’s nutrients in there that the kids don’t even know about.
Some ideas:
Speak casually about what they think about sex, what they think about their friends having sex, how they feel about how fast/slow things are moving, about what intimacy means to them.
Outline the importance of consent and give specific tools for how to communicate and reflect on consent.
Maybe discuss power dynamic issues, if they are present in relationships.
Obviously, how firm you need to be depends on the severity of the activities and how age appropriate/what legalities are present.
The framework I always have in mind is…
We are cocooning them.
Hard shell for protection and safety.
Soft middle with empathy and connection.
If we do not have these conversations with a balance of hard shell and soft middle..
Because we don’t know what to say or we shy away because we don’t want to ruin that rapport and make it awkward.
We miss the opportunity of giving our young people support and ensuring they are safe and informed about decisions their risk-hungry, all gas no breaks, sometimes self conscious/trying to fit in brains make.
There are ways of maintaining the rapport AND making sure they have helpful, safe conversations about sex with maybe the only person they can and not be judged…
Us.
P.S!
👋 If you struggle with broaching these conversations with your clients (because all kinds of challenges can present depending on the kid!), just pop me an email and i’m always happy to offer a tip or strategy for what you’re struggling with!
Do you struggle to manage current topics such as sex with teen clients
without ruining rapport?
In 3 weeks, join me + a small collection of fellow likeminded mental health professionals for a 3 hr masterclass to explore rapport building, client resistance and how to expertly navigate modern teen issues in 2024!
Join me + a small collection of fellow likeminded mental health professionals for a
3 hr masterclass to explore
rapport building, client resistance and how to expertly navigate modern teen issues in 2024!
Here’s what one of our treasured past attendees had to say:
“I really took a lot away from today which I can now use in my practice.
I think the framework Ellie has created is wonderful and I LOVE the concept behind Cocoon.”
Nailing Adolescent Counselling:
Small Group Masterclass
Spaces are filling up quickly and this group will not run again until 2025.
Save your spot now!
Friday, 26 July 2024
10:00 am - 1:00 pm, 3 CPD hours (attendance certificate provided)
For counsellors, social workers, psychologists and related professionals working with teens.
Feeling lost or unsupported in working with adolescents?
Or know a colleague or someone on your team who could use some extra individualised support?
I have created a small, intimate group masterclass with all of my best strategies and approaches for professionals to explore the key foundational frameworks and strategies to work with teens.
Teens are a very special population with unique presentations and issues, and require a specialised approach that we were not taught in our generalised training.
Join us for 3 hours of learning and applying specialised strategies to in-depth case studies and discuss what you are struggling with at the moment with 1-1 coaching to dive deep and leave you feeling confident and empowered in caring for adolescents.
I’m Ellie.
Bachelor of Arts (Psych.), Master of Counselling
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
I specialise in Youth Trauma and Grief, with comprehensive additional training in family therapy, child and adolescent counselling, supervised by Sydney's leading family and child therapists and organisations.
I now run an online practice where I see clients, create content and workshops, as well as educate fellow professionals in adolescent counselling through professional development trainings and lecturing in adult tertiary education.
Have a qu or want to chat? I’d love to connect!
Connect on linkedin or send me an email