How to heal the fear of abandonment and betrayal that is always in the back of your head when dating
This week is about:
How to finally get over your fear of being betrayed or left that is always in the back of your head, no matter what you do.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
Hey Friends,
I think most of us have that voice at the back of our heads or deep in our heart that no matter the healthy, green-flag-ridden relationships we find ourselves in.
That voice that still questions “what if”..
What if they did disappoint me eventually?
What if I do something to make them run away and leave me?
What if they find something better?
What if they break my trust?
I find that we can squish this voice down, tell it “shhh, look at the good thing in front of you - don’t ruin it!” and pretend everything’s fine for most of the time.
But, if we sat still for a little while and were quiet enough to listen, or if we find ourselves insecure, triggered or really upset..
Let’s be honest, it’s still there lurking in the shadows.
I do have a fair few thoughts and tricks on this topic, because it’s maybe the most common relationship fear that I see with my lovely clients.
So… this week let’s see what we can do to actually excavate it from our minds.
This weeks qu is..
How do I heal from a fear of abandonment and the deep rooted insecurity that I am not good enough for a romantic partner?
❤️
Ohhhhh my friend..
I getcha.
I find this the stickiest and most common relationship trauma fear, tbh.
It’s the one that you can talk about for years and years, tell yourself positive affirmations, try to quieten your anxiety and trust the person in front of you…
But…
If you’re honest…
After all this effort and time, the fear of being left/abandoned/betrayed is still there no matter what you do.
We all have fears in our relationships that lay in our subconscious (or conscious) minds, playing a major role in our anxiety and how we feel.
And the fear of being left, disappointed or betrayed is a major one for a loooot of us that holds us back from experiencing healthy, stable, intimate relationships.
Some ways to know that this is a thing for you..
Are you:
🌼 Always waiting for the other shoe to drop and them to leave/disappoint you/choose someone else
🌼 Emotionally cut off, self sabotaging and avoidant to protect yourself because you know you’ll be hurt eventually
🌼 Expecting it to happen because its happened to you before in past relationships (romantic, friendships, family)
🌼 Anxiously attached — waiting for or asking for validation, wanting them close all the time so there is no space for doubt or uncertainty
🌼 Or just like.. all of the above
GOOD NEWS ! You’re not doomed, there are many other options to try once you’ve exhausted the “pretend-it-doesn’t-exist” option.
It’s just that these sticky fears often can’t be solved by the things we all try or are told to try.
Because of their sticky, deep rooted nature they need a specific, informed approach to excavate them from your mind.
So, here’s what that looks like, so you can find some peace.
The best way to understand why this fear has so much control over you (and why none of the tricks work) is like this.
Deep fears lurking in the back of your mind are there to protect you.
They're in charge of regulating your behaviours, thoughts, and anxiety signals (basically, your regulation issues).
Now, imagine this: your fears and triggers are like an earthquake happening beneath the surface, causing chaos.
Earthquake = your triggers and fears
Waves = your anxiety, emotions
Boats = your relationships, which get shaken up by the earthquake
You trying to calm the waves with your hands = surface-level strategies like pretending, avoiding your fears, or just telling yourself positive things.
It’s all about trying to control the chaos, but sometimes the deeper issues need more than surface-level fixes.
It’s fine, but it’s not enough.
This is deep stuff.
You get me?
You know how annoying people always say you need to love yourself first?
Here’s what they really mean + how to do it.
🌊 4 steps to evict the fear of being abandoned
1. Write down all of your past experiences related to this fear.
Brain dump on a page all that comes up for you.
Eg. Memories of being left (including who/what/when/where/how like a story with detail) + memories or people that made you feel not good enough for a romantic partner.
2. Look at that stuff you wrote down.
Now, I want you to externalise everything you’ve internalised.
You see, with these fears that control your life, the pain is because they are 100% internalised.
Which means your brain has taken in these experiences and relationships to interpret them as:
- Being about you, your fault, or caused by something bad about you that caused someone else’s poor behaviour
- Accepting that it is 110% the truth and not to be questioned or proven wrong
- Rigid and life has maybe felt like it’s proven this to be true
We need to externalise and loosen up the narrative in your brain so that you can move forward and be open to maybe the fact that it’s not true.
Which, to be honest - this is what a lot of this “healing” work is.
Bringing the deep, rigid fears that your brain has interpreted as truths to light — to be questioned, shoved into the grey zone instead of the black/white and ultimately, allow you to live life with more confidence and self acceptance.
Some ideas to externalise so you can have some distance from the beliefs:
- Write a big list of reasons people have done/said the things they did.
Stress, low emotional capacity, mismatch of personalities, life.
-
I don’t expect you to be healed after doing this.
But, I do anticipate that you will have broken open that black box of fear to begin to question it, have new perspectives and over time — it will not have the power that it has been, convincing you that you are 100% unlovable and will always be left as a default.
3. Handle your feelings.
Instead of avoiding feeling the fears, I am going to say the thing that will likely make you roll your eyes.
You need to feel into it.
Boogie monsters stay scary because they’re in the dark.
Say, “hello fear, this is hard but you’re here I guess”.
Over time, you’ll realise it doesn’t hold the power that it does when it’s deep dark in the shadows.
Over time, you’ll realise that you can cope with this stuff as an adult.
You are capable, strong and deserve all the lovely things like a healthy committed relationship.
It’s hard and gross, but try to accept the discomfort without rushing to assuming the worst, spiralling into self loathing and anxiety.
4. Hold yourself accountable.
This sounds a little harsh, so let me clarify.
You need to catch your brain when it’s spiralling into the depths of “im bad” and remain aware this is a trigger for you.
It’s a bit like a mosquito bite (ew), the less we scratch it and the more we give it space, curiousity and some ointment (love) - it will go away.
Notice when you’re self sabotaging, holding back from intimacy and writing things off before they have the chance to get good.
Because you’re playing into proving yourself right - that no relationship will be good, stable and loving. Which sucks, because this is just your brain trying to protect you but ALSO it ends up taking you out of the race before you have an opportunity to win.
"You miss 100% of the chances you don’t take”, kinda thing.
Hold yourself accountable in your head, as well as in your actions.
Are you acting in a way that can believe you are lovable?
I know this can all feel really big and hard and out of reach..
But I can assure you.
If you follow these 4 steps consistently when this stuff pops up for you - You will shift.
You will notice and reflect on more aspects from your past from a lens that isn’t rigid and self loathing - it’s curious and maybe a little empathetic.
You will gain more control by noticing when you assume the worst and engage in self defeating behaviour that doesn’t align with what you want (like obsessing, starting conflict for validation, avoiding hard conversations).
And best of all, you will gain a 360 degree, developmentally, healed, healthy, stable perspective of what has happened in your life.
Instead of putting yourself in the “damaged/never to be loved” box that you’ve been putting yourself in.
It’s perspective (that isn’t in the hole of internalising everything that keeps you stuck) and action in line with what you want, including how you speak to yourself in your head.
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
💡
If your fears are extra destructive and hard to fix..
Here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
1. Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
These fears can be really specific for each person, depending on who disappointed them and what they want in a romantic relationship.
I’m here for you when you’re ready.
Book a 1-1 session here.
2. Have you got your own question or issue you want help with?
💌Submit it anonymously for next weeks newsletter!
3. Extra reading/listening…
Erasing Fears + Traumas Based on the Modern Neuroscience of Fear
This is a reaaaaally super duper interesting layer to add to your knowledge if you’re doing healing work. It’s one of those podcast episodes that makes you go, “ah.. THATS the reason I am the way I am - hallelujah! I’m not the only one!”
Need more support?
Check out my offerings below to get you to the life you have always deserved 💌
Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
I’m here for you if you need.
Book a 1-1 session here.
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
