Why You Make “Bad” Decisions + Why Self Trust is the Therapy Medicine
This week is about:
How can we trust that we can make the right decisions for ourselves, when we haven’t exactly been the best at it so far?
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from the 31st edition of my newsletter, ‘Therapy Thursdays’
Therapy Thursdays offers creative, unique perspectives from therapy - involving family therapy and creative therapy to help us navigate 2024.
Click here to sign up and receive free weekly therapy and ask your own anonymous question to be answered with a unique strategy to help you and your mental health.
Hey Friends,
Hey Friends,
This is a pic I took in Mexico last week!
Other than it being pretty and me boasting about my (very limited) photography skills.. why is this relevant?
WELL.
I have a long history of quitting things before I am able to get any good at them because.. well..
I’m not good at them.
And if I dig a little deeper and i’m honest…
It’s because I don’t necessarily trust myself to improve.
I’m not lazy, i’m happy to work hard.
But I have little faith sometimes that I even will improve or grow and so..
My brain offers a mean little thought of:
”Why bother.. just quit now.. otherwise you may stay shit at this thing and that’ll be embarrassing”.
Luckily i’ve gotten better at questioning that mean little voice to increase my trust in myself, but i’d be lying if I said it was easy and I trust myself all the time.
The real bugger is that self trust is maybe.. kinda.. probably.. the most important thing when it comes to being the agent of your decision making in life.
It’s not confidence, it’s not being perfect.
It’s self trust — Knowing that you’ll be okay, you will try, you can back yourself because you can rely on yourself regardless of the outcome.
That’s the secret sauce.
This weeks qu is..
What can I say to help me trust myself when I don’t have a history of making great decisions?
❤️
K, I want to do little redefining self trust in the context of decision making here.
Achieving trust in yourself to make good, fulfilling, healthy decisions does not mean you will get it right every single time.
If something does not go to plan, or you look back and go
“ah, in hindsight I shouldn’t have done/said that”
— it does not mean you cannot be trusted.
Self trust is built from a deeper place inside yourself, not valued on how perfectly or successfully things go in your life.
Do you know why?
(And i’m coming on strong because um.. this has been a journey for me in the past 15 years - side note: the fact I can say “past 15 years” and legitimately mean it means i’m getting old but that’s fine).
Because you have no idea how things will work out most of the time.
Annoying!
So what can we do?
The best we can with what we know at the time, coming from a place of deep reflection and knowing of ourselves — not making decisions for the wrong reasons like validation, insecurity and unruly emotion.
🌸 To set the scene before I tell you how to increase that little voice of self trust in making decisions..
Think about those past experiences where you didn’t make the best decision.
What else was involved in how it turned out? Other than you?
How can you avoid blaming yourself for how everything works out (it’s likely you don’t know 100% of how things will turn out because you’re not a psychic unless you’re not telling me something)..
Therefore… you can only do the best you can with what you have and know at the time.
How to make better decisions + trust yourself while doing it
REFLECT.
I know, sorry. Boring.
But reflection on your “bad” decision making pattern is imperative.
🌸 It’s likely the “bad decision making” was something like:
1. Ignoring your intuition
2. Not thinking things through slowly and acting on impulse
3. Thinking someone’s toxic/unhealthy behaviour was attractive and good and going to give you the validation you want
4. Valuing instant gratification more than other things
5. Numbing and avoiding your emotions with “bad” decisions
6. Acting from a place of insecurity and valuing the “wrong” thingsNote down any that feel right for you.
Where did this originate and what is the root cause of this?
Maybe decisions out of fear, insecurities, valuing short-term validation over being uncomfortable and putting your self worth?
Trouble regulating and thinking through decisions?
This part is super important for that self trust to show you can change and you’ve put effort into reflecting how you got here.
By doing that you’re also automatically less likely to do the same thing again.
Like walking into a hole on the footpath because you were looking at the sky
Now you know that holes there and you fell and it hurt
You will trust yourself more to look for holes.. ya no?And then the biggest part of all..
Follow this brain action (thinking + analysing) with real life action.
Do something to test it.
Reflect on it.
Go through the process above to “reflect”.
The self trust builds, slowly slowly.
EVEN IF you make a “bad” decision and you feel like ugh i’ve done it again..
Try not to go there.
Be kind to yourself.
You can only do what you can with what you have at the time.
And if you’ve tried to change up the pattern and reflected on why you made decisions in the past and you changed it
AND it still doesn’t work out?
You tried.
You will be ok. Thats the other self trust piece.
You’re not going to get it right every single time.
That’s not trusting yourself to make the “right” decision.
Otherwise I would’ve put all my pennies into the housing market or stocks during Covid.
But with the info I had at the time.. did I know everything would boom?
No the opposite actually.. so I can’t regret that one.
Change the pattern.
Feel proud.
Own your own agency and responsibility but don’t expect yourself to make perfect decisions every time.
You wouldn’t learn anything about yourself or the world and you’ll be ok.
Cause you’ve got you. You can always try again.
Honestly, the biggest behavioural issues I see with my lovely clients are because they are STUCK in patterns that they have little hope to change.
And they go around and around.
Beating themselves up.
Feeling shame.
Over and over.
You can always try again.
1% change each week is like.. 52% change a year. DOABLE.
You’ve got this. Back yourself.
I do apologise that you asked a seemingly small question and it reaaally snowballed into being more about you trusting yourself deep to your very bones and doing some challenging, uncomfy reflection.
But think of self trust as a framing for everything you do and feel in your life journey — it’s a make or break and 110% worth doing the work.
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
Thanks so much for reading.
💡
If you want to trust yourself to make sustainable, genuine decisions that serve you long-term — it’s likely there are bits + pieces in your subconscious that are a bit stuck.
Here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
1. Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
I’m here for you when you’re ready.
Book a 1-1 session here.
2. Have you got your own question or issue you want help with?
💌Submit it anonymously for next weeks newsletter!
3. Extra reading/listening…
I found reading this piece really helpful to understand where we go so wrong in our decision making and (clue: emotions and insecurities ruin our decision making abilities as humans). Would recommend giving this a read to understanding yourself better + get some ideas for changing it up.
3 Reasons Why You Make Terrible Decisions (And How To Stop) - Mark Manson
Need more support?
Check out my offerings below to get you to the life you have always deserved 💌
Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
I’m here for you if you need.
Book a 1-1 session here.
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
