How to move on in relationships without closure when they are not going to change or apologise.
This week is about:
Why holding onto them giving you closure is holding you back from improved mental health and life direction + how to move forward.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from the 18th edition of my newsletter, ‘Therapy Thursdays’
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Hey Friends,
Letting go of the disappointment of someone not showing up the way we need them to and accepting we will never get an apology is like..
The feeling I had in this pic, after a surf where I had the beach to myself.
I could be free.
I could see clearly.
I wasn’t anxious or worried what people thought of me.
Let me share how to accept + move on when people have been..
Well, a bit shit really.
I specialise in family dynamics, attachment and relationship stuff.
And after 100’s of clients… I would say almost every client that I have seen who struggles with those things, also struggles with..
Being able to accept people as they are when it’s not how or who you wish they would be…
so you can let go and move on.
This weeks qu is..
How can I accept that the people who hurt me won’t change and I won’t ever get an apology from them no matter how hard I try?
❤️
👀 First up, let’s explore why it’s so hard.
👀 Your mind believes when you receive that apology or those people change..
You will feel better and the pain or resentment or whatever it is you’re feeling.. will end.
That makes sense, right?!
If they apologise, I get closure. If they don’t apologise, i’m left feeling shitty.
What would their apology or change actually give you?
And how can we try and create that without them?
Why is it so hard to accept people as they are?
Your brain is biologically wired to spin a problem around + around until it makes sense.
Your brain is essentially trying to solve a problem that cannot be solved.
Because, i’m guessing there’s not much closure and the pain is still with you, so there is no easy answer to this situation.
So, you keep holding on by thinking and hoping and wishing…
🧠 Overthinking is caused by a nasty cocktail usually triggered by something that makes you feel anxious or emotional —> supercharging the process with adrenaline and activation in the brains emotion centres.
So when you’re upset or it has to do with interpersonal issues…
you’re way more likely to overthink 🧠
To make it worse, when we don’t have a clear answer to a problem in our relationships..
Our brains then start investigating the ‘why’…
”Why won’t they change?”
”Why did this happen?”
”Why did they say this?”
It tries to investigate because there’s not a satisfying serotonin release in your brain to complete the loop caused by a clear answer. So, it keeps going.
Resulting in overthinking and holding on.
Painful emotions also make this so, so much sticker.
Because it’s full of disappointments, lost hope, pain, rejection, resentment.
You don’t need to get over it, my friend.
The painful stuff is almost impossible to just “get over” and frolick into the future carefree.
Instead, we need to move through and over it.
To solve this, I need you to zoom out a little bit and do some self reflection.
👀
By holding on, you are giving the power 100% to them, which means that until they change/apologise (which by the sound of it, they may never do), you are stuck.
Don’t worry, I promise I’m not telling you to “get over it” and invalidate your pain.
I’m actually telling you to do the opposite.
You don’t need to accept “that the people who hurt me won’t change and I won’t ever get an apology from them” .
Clearly that approach is not helping you.
And I honestly think it’s not working because it’s not what you need.
What if I said..
“What if we don’t accept, but we acknowledge they are incapable of changing and apologising?
And that it SUCKS and hurts you?
And that is the reality?”.
Psychological acceptance doesn’t mean you’re happy with the situation and you “get over it”.
No, it’s often more like it’s crappier, but realistic cousin….
“Ah.. well this is a shit situation..
What can I do to process it and validate how i’m feeling and what can I be proud of?
How can say to myself, well… I know I wouldn’t do those things to anyone else, and my feelings of hurt and anger are valid”.
Then from THAT space… move on.
Okay, I know that can sound vague and far-fetched, so let’s make that a practical 3 step process to take today to cope better with this crappy sitch.
🌸 My 3 step strategy to use when you think about these people/the situation🌸
1. Catch the overthinking before you spiral into the deep depths.
Say to yourself..
“Ah yes, that’s my brain doing it’s problem solving about a problem that cannot be solved”.
Go distract yourself, do something you love or process option 2 and 3 with a loved one or journal.
2. Ask yourself..
Is my search for clarity, change and an apology a sign I need to validate myself to move on?
Is that what would be the benefit of an apology I know i’m not getting?
Often you need to do something with your emotions, instead of trying to “get over it”… cause that ain’t working.
Some ideas on how to validate this so it doesn’t stick with you:
- Literally say to yourself in your head or outloud “i’m upset and that makes sense, they hurt me”
- Debrief with a close friend, family member or therapist
- Journal all the things spiralling in your head
- Journal what you WISH they’d say or what you wish YOU could say to them
3. Do or acknowledge something that is aligned with the life YOU want to live.
This is the #takingbackyourpower part.
Stuck in their unkindness?
Cool, go be kind to someone or acknowledge how you were kind this week.
Stuck in their lack of change?
Cool, go try something new in your life or acknowledge how far you have come.
This might take some time, so go easy on yourself.
As long as you feel all the things you need to feel and do not force yourself to “let go” or “move on”… you will get there.
I promise.
In our relationships, family, romantic and friendships.. the lines get blurred.
We expect things of people. They disappoint us. We feel stuck if they don’t give us the love and kindness we deserve.
I wish you could have that apology and change you hope for, I reaaaaaally do.
But we need to bring back your control and your empowerment.
And THAT’S how to accept and move on.
Seeing what is in front of you, validating how you feel about it, then walking in the direction of the life YOU want to live - taking your power with you.
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
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💡 If you’d like to dig further into
here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
1. Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
It’s likely that your challenges with letting go are attached to something deeper.
The impact your modelling has had on you as an individual is extremely unique, and needs a curated approach tailored just for you.
I’m here for you when you’re ready.
I’d love to get to know you and support you 1-1.
Book a session here
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
