Can’t rest without feeling guilty? It likely is due to how being “busy” was marketed to you as being more worthy.
This week is about:
Why your addiction to productivity and guilt for resting is deeper than you think..
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
I have to sincerely apologise to any client or friend I have told to rest more to avoid burning out.
Funny thing…
As it turns out, I found out last week during my quick 5 day trip to a sunny location to “rest”…
I also could not rest and felt guilt for not being productive.
I had to ask myself some uggggly questions to get to the bottom of why I could not rest no matter what I tried, but they were worth it because yes..
I actually did find the magical Neverland of guilt-free rest, believe it or not!
Let me share them with you so we can all just bloody relax in peace for once.
I’ll just be straight up.
I’m a type A, Virgo star sign, productivity addict most of the time.
I have had to manually build in a sense of chill over the past few years, to force myself to allow rest when I need it to avoid burnout and actually enjoy the life I spend so long burning the candle at both ends to create.
👀 Idk if you’ve noticed but, the pace of life at the moment is kinda…. wild.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it's a coincidence that:
1. We live in the busiest, most information overloaded, productivity, fast paced society
AND
2. Most people I speak to are suffering from stress or anxiety or burnout, and most people will experience an mental health issue in their lifetime.
Me thinks they are correlated…
Something’s broken and I say we rebel to create a balanced, intentional, actually enjoyable life where our worth as human beings is not tied up in how much productivity we churn out like we’re in a factory.
ALSO, so you can actually put your productivity powers to good use when you want to, rather than just a chronic, anxious attempt at “productivity” that is really not that productive anyway.. because you’re not resting healthily to recuperate to be your best.
This weeks qu is..
This weeks qu is..
How do I stop feeling guilty for resting?
Why can’t I let go of being “productive”?
❤️
👀 First up, these are the 3 reasons I think are most likely to be causing our discomfort with rest.
You may identify with one of these, a few of these, or none of these.
See what clicks for you.
In a lot of my clients, myself and my loved ones, I see an inability to rest being driven by:
Fear.
When we do things like avoid rest or continue to be busy, we may be protecting ourselves. Does being “busy” serve as a control method to make sure you are safe?
eg. If you work at 110% all the time.. you might subconsciously believe this will help you avoid financial instability due to fear.
Or you may be trying to distract yourself from something uncomfortable, being “busy” keeps your mind off things!Productivity is fused with you identity and self esteem.
What does it mean to be “productive”? Likely something positive. Hard working, intelligent, clever.
Why have you confused productivity for self worth and self esteem?Family modelling and trauma.
Our family modelling of "being hard working all the time” or expectations from our family upbringings likely play a big role in always being productive.
We’ll explore this more in a sec.
There is no shame for carrying these things with you, btw.
We’ve all lived lives that may involve quite a lot of fear or expectations from others.
But, it’s how we become aware of them, so they stop running the show we don’t really want to be in anyway (hello burnout) - that matters.
Before we dig into what to do about all of this, I’ll just leave this little piece of research here to add to your pondering..
I found this pretty interesting and also like..
”how dare you call me out like that but okay fine, that’s good for my self awareness and growth I guess..”
Research said a busy mindset bolsters people’s sense of self-importance, which, in turn, can increase self-control (Kim, Adhwa and Chattopadhya, 2019)
Yikes.
Alright, welcome.
Let’s do a little therapy session and ask you the questions that will get to the bottom of why you find it so hard to rest.
Pick an area from the above 3 hypotheses for why you are this way.
Or, any other ideas you have about why you can’t rest guilt-free.
👀
🙂 I want to ask you a few questions.. (bonus points if you grab your journal to write your answers down..)
How productive are peeps in your family?
Are they proud of their busy-ness/productivity/hard working nature?
Did they put pressure on you to be hard working/achieve?
What does it/did it MEAN to be productive in your family?
Hustle, more $, more interesting?
Or, is this coming from another place, not family related?
What of these beliefs and patterns around productivity and rest:
1. Do you align with and WANT to continue?
Cause hard work IS good.
It’s an amazing strength that will bring you lots of good stuff! If you use it for things you’re genuinely passionate about or when you’re in serious need to hustle.
But it’s the addiction to busy-ness and ignoring when you need to slow down/not knowing HOW to slow down that is sending you toward burn out.
2. What do you NOT align with and NOT want to continue?
3. What in your patterning are you finding hard to let go? What fears do you have around rest and what that means for you?
4. How can you incorporate more sustainable hard work - hard work for passion, when you CAN give, and allow rest when you need it by just freaking BEING not DOING?
🌸 3 actions to take today to REST BETTER WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW 🥰
- Notice your urge to DO. When was the last time you rested or did something fun/silly/without a purpose/just cause you felt like it/just cause it was enjoyable?
- Ask yourself when you feel the urge.. honestly "why do I need to be productive to prove i'm worthy when.. i'm worthy as it is?”
- Can I increase my productivity SPECIFICALLY for 1 power hour a day, to allow myself to 100% CHILLLLL later? Smash out the must-to's so you can chill 100%.
Your mental health GENUINELY needs rest.
Your nervous system is going to be fried if you don’t.
And the big thing I like to frequently remind myself..
One day I will not be on the earth.
I won’t ever say, “Wow, I am so glad I pushed myself and judged myself for taking a break and reading a freaking book or laughing with my friends about something silly!”.
I also am WAY better at being "productive" when i'm rested.
I've never done anything amazing or been the best therapist, friend, partner, PERSON I can be proud of when i'm STRESSSSED out of my mind.
Soooo you gotta decide.. What life do you want to create?
If it involves a burnt out, stressed but "productive" you..
Go for it, everyone's entitled to do what they like!
But ahh.. if you want a full balanced life where you can actually take in the "achievements" and be your best self...
You're gonna have to get comfortable with rest, my friend! 🥰
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
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Your anxiety and addiction to busy is likely to have a lot of different components all interplaying like a symphony for burning you out.
The impact your modelling has had on you as an individual is extremely unique, and needs a curated approach tailored just for you.
I’m here for you when you’re ready.
I’d love to get to know you and support you 1-1.
Book a session here
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
