Living an ambitious life, kindly.
Turns out life isn't a perfect, linear line of checkboxes, achievements and new year resolutions. How do we balance goal setting, self-compassion and life's unknown messy surprises? Well..
💌 Disclaimer: These letters are not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice.
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I was born a very ambitious person.
I really, truly do not say that to impress or posture, the opposite actually.
I wish I naturally could just be one of those chill people and live my life as it comes (looks nice tbh!) but alas, that’s not how I was programmed.
I’ve had so many dead and forgotten plans, “failed” new years resolutions and timelines I can’t even count them for you, most of my background brain activity has been spent trying to figure out how the hell I can get everything I want and still be mentally stable enough to enjoy it.
Two things that feel like they cannot be synonymous whatsoever.
Nice to myself? Lazy, won’t get anything done.
Hustle hard? Get sh*t done, but i’m anxious af.
Turns out, there are some solutions. But you’re not going to like them.
She had a scooter, pink sparkly gumboots, missing teeth and a dream.
⛈️ The trap of “when I am/have/experience ____, i’ll be okay” ⛈️
I do cringe when I think of all the kinda odd things I did/said/proposed from ages 5-25 in areas of hobbies, business ventures, friendships, travel plans and perfectly curated life plans that had me perfectly happy, rich and settled with 3 kids by 30 because I had no concept of reality or self reflection that is required to be fulfilled in life…
I only functioned off subconscious fear and adrenaline pushing me towards a finish line that I have now realised at 30, does not exist….
This podcast ep somehow found me the other day, and felt like it was shouting all my blind spots at me all at once.
I was slapped in the face with the fact that for almost every year of my life thus far, i’ve had a new “goal”, a new “me” I wanted to be who would create this new “life” I so badly wanted to live.
And honestly, I’ve found that way of thinking (in my life, my friends/families lives and my clients lives) leads to one or more of the following:
a) being lost, devastated, disappointed, frustrated and shameful when things don’t go to plan
b) being SUPER harsh and critical on yourself so you’re ridden with anxiety
c) procrastinating everything ever because your expectations and the emotional charge on everything is MASSIVE
d) all of the above at once, causing bursts of harsh action followed by plateaus of inaction and beating yourself up
The question at the back of our head then is usually…
If I don’t plan, goal set, work hard…
Am I then just lazy and not truly living my life?
What will happen to me if i’m not seizing the day every freaking day?
Wtf do I do?
And whilst there is a very therapist part of me that says:
”shhh, slow down”
”you are not a problem to fix!”
”be f*cking nice to yourself nothing good comes from shame and pressure!!!!”
(which is what I would likely say to you, my friend, if you were sharing your self blaming/critical thoughts with me)
For myself, my automatic response to any kind of rest and self compassion is usually more like:
”Cool, so.. if i’m nice to myself..
I’m going to achieve nothing, do nothing, be nothing and now I feel worse about myself, so I may as well continue being harsh and burning myself out, at least there’s some payoff?”.
What do we do?
How can we possibly hold those two parts of ourselves at once, to bring about effective, sustainable and fulfilling change in our lives?
📝 The questions I have to ask myself and be brutally honest answering 📝
There are parts of us that really want different things.
Becoming familiar with the parts of me that love achievement, feel safe with validation, feel scared of living a boring, sh*t life I hate..
Help me reduce this inner tangle I always get myself in, especially around NYE.
The biggest piece I came away with was…
I can be driven and work hard.
I can make goals and create a life I love.
BUT!!!!!!
!!!!!!!
What matters is what part of me is driving that urge or goal.
Where it’s coming from, and why.
Where is it coming from?
To what end?
Where would I know to stop?
Why is this addictive, uncomfortable, new to me?
What would be at risk, a threat?
What would this fear mean about me? What would happen to my identity?
What am I basing my identity around, and is this okay with me?
What in my family upbringing valued unhealthy hustle/hard work OR where did I learn to burn myself out to cope with whatever was going on in my home?
What values, beliefs, messages have I picked up from people and the world around me, that actually…. now i’m adult…
I don’t want to take that advice? It doesn’t serve me or suit me at this age?
(You can use these questions as journal prompts btw, they’ve unlocked some gems for me this January).
Sometimes the things we want and the way we go about getting them aren’t actually what we want. We have to know why.
Why do you want that thing, achievement, plan, title, life?
Athletes who do really well work really hard, but they don’t get anywhere by telling themselves they’re a piece of sh*t if they fail.
They keep themselves accountable, they train, they look after themselves and turn the engines on in seasons that they really need to.
BUT generally, it’s flowing with self belief and purpose, not hatred, pressure and judgement.
Think about anyone who has an amazing, fulfilling, rich life…
It’s not because they have trophies or perfect cars and houses.
It’s more dynamic and complex like deep relationships, experiences, passions, hobbies, financial stability.
Those things are not build in 1 month from endless hustle and self hatred.
It’s dynamic and slow over time. It’s process. 2 steps forward 1 step back.
Discomfort. Fulfilment. Being honest with themselves. Being honest with others.
Staying true to what they truly want and value and why.
They know when too much is too much and being deeply compassionate to ourselves and others when things aren’t aligning.
Your life is relative, subjective, messy and YOURS. Nobody else.
I’m realising more and more as I meet clients and get to know their beautiful internal worlds and vastly different lives in depth..
There is no right way.
There is genuinely no formula of:
You live like this, think like this, voila! happy!
Wooooooh!
Ruby could live the same life as Ben and hate it.
Ben could live a similar life to Emily and love it.
Emily could live a life similar to Ruby for 2 years, go through an immense amount of growth and change it up to realise she didn’t really love that life it was just feeding patterns and comfort.
(I could keep going but you know what I mean!!!)
I don’t want that to make you feel more lost because there’s no script for happiness, because it is genuinely that cliche they’ve all been telling us.
It’s the inside that matters.
Except it’s not about superficial beauty.
It’s about fulfilment. It’s gotta come from you.
And usually we need to dig to find out why and how.
Healing + growth is an ongoing unravelling of what we’ve been told and picked up by osmosis around us in the world.
Sometimes that’s through our family upbringing dynamics and sometimes it’s through just being a person in the world, trying on identities and dreams for size, being hurt and disappointed, being in relationships, absorbing societal norms without questioning them.
So, for me, 2026 is about enjoying.
Because if i’ve “wasted” any time, it’s only been because i’ve been wishing i’m somewhere else when what I wanted 5 years ago is right in front of me.
My own mind ruins the enjoyment.
So, this year i’m choosing to let the right parts of my brain + soul make plans for me.
No more subconscious patterns and inherited fears running me into the ground.
And I hope that whatever wild rides the year of the horse takes you on, you can know that your choices are yours and your life is meant to be enjoyed, not tolerated.
Thank you as always for your time.
I’m so excited to do 2026 together.
Lots of love,
Ellie
❤️ My rec’s this week!
A book!!!!
On Death and Dying
Okay the title sounds depressing, but it’s one of the most important books i’ve ever read for my understanding of human Psychology and how we perceive our lives, goals and what a “well lived” life really is.
Written by the creator of the 7 stages of grief, this is an easy read with challenging, deep topics that made me really evaluate how i’m living and why. BIG recommend!!!
Thanks so much for reading!
I’m sending you all the good vibes for the 2026 that you wish for.
I’m seeing clients online, Australia-wide (and some locations internationally!) on Tuesdays, Thursdays + Fridays.
Book a 1-1 session here, i’d love to meet you.
Have you got your own question or issue you want help with?
💌Submit it anonymously and i’ll dive into it in a future letter.