What I wish I knew about grief + how to move forward, from a griever.
This week is about:
The rules we put on our own grief + how to rebuild after loss
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
We have all had significant losses in our lives, or know people who have.
This week is a love letter from me to you, straight from my heart.
I apologise if this week is a little frazzled - as there are so many things I wanted to say that all want to come out at once and I don’t even feel like I touched the edges.
But I hope something lands for you in this week’s letter.
If nothing else..
Go gently.
Hardness with ourselves and others, when it comes to emotions, mental health and happiness — never, ever works.
I recently had my birthday and grief and loss has been on my mind a lot.
As someone who has experienced a lot of grief, every birthday I have is an EXTRA celebration.
This weeks qu is..
❤️
I want to know how to let myself be happy.
My mum was sick my whole life and passed when I was 17. I feel like I’ve been ‘stuck’ ever since, never really feeling anything over the last 10 years that have passed and I want to live life for me and my future and feel less like I’m living in my past.
I realise that the meaning may be lost a little, typed to you by me, received through your inbox,
but I am really sorry to hear about your mum.
I could guess you’re probably sick of people saying that by now, I know I sometimes roll my eyes in my head anticipating the stereotypical response I know people will say to me when I say who i’ve lost, because what else is there to say without making it awkward?
Grief is strange and never follows a linear path for any of us, but feeling stuck or not feeling a whole lot is a really common experience (especially for losing someone so close).
It may be possible that you are still in some states of shock or there has been some stuck-ness in the making sense of what has happened across your life.
Which makes total sense… because sickness, death and loss doesn’t “make sense”.
How could it?!
Things like this do not just happen and you get over it and “move on”, as we expect ourselves to with so many other things.
I really need to make a point that grief is so unique, people who haven’t experienced it will expect others to move on after a little while, saying..
”Oh it it’s sad and unfortunate but at some point you should be able to get up and keep going.. at least for yourself!”
And it’s not that you won’t be able to move forward (we’ll explore how to in a second, promise!!), but I have a big issue with the societal narrative around grief.
I so commonly hear clients say “I should be moved on by now”, “i’m moving so slowly” or other people in your life say “yeah but you can’t just be sad forever”, “you need to keep busy”, “you need to live your life”.
I find that when we talk about grief this way (even if well meaning), it:
1) TOTALLY misunderstands how grief is felt in the brain and body (it’s a serious significant trauma, not just something “sad”)
and !!
2) it undermines how grieving people feel, often leading to shame that they aren’t “moving on”.. which makes it less likely to healthily move forward anyway…
Sorry, had to get that rant out of the way..
Clearly it’s something I feel very passionately about.
BUT!
As long as you’ve taken in that your process is your process, the “stuck-ness” is likely your brain/body trying to cope with trauma (not a sign of your low motivation or anything)…
Let’s focus on what will help you move forward, shall we?
❤️
So, there’s this psychological concept known as Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).
I focused my master’s thesis on it cause tbh..
I was sick of the research and academic world only talking about how we’re all doomed if you experience the death of someone. Seriously… don’t google it.
It’s sad and feels defeating.
Researching PTG reaaaaally helped me make sense of my own grief/losses and give me the hope and tools to build a life I can genuinely say I intentionally chose and love.
What is ❤️ PTG ❤️?!
PTG is closely tied to Narrative Therapy— Which focusses on putting YOU at the centre of your life story, unwinding unhelpful narratives and increasing your sense of control in a life that has been so out of your control.
After a traumatic event, you do not “bounce back”.
You actually change significantly.
Which sucks, cause you didn’t want to.
To heal and move forward, we must acknowledge this change.
Then, we explore how to shape your life after a loss, increasing your sense of control and agency.
It may take weeks, months, or even years to reach a point where you truly feel you’re living your life. This isn’t a process to rush into or pressure yourself for.
But here are some ideas.
🌸 A process for moving forward after a big loss 🌸
(Could be a death, a breakup, a job loss, an illness, an identity loss, loss of self — whatever as long as it resonates).
Note how I say A process — it’s not the only one and only take what resonates, leave what doesn’t feel right for you and how ready you feel for action.
✍🏼 Body + mind processing
K so as per usual, to move things…
We need to open up the black box of emotion a little.
This DOES NOT have to be opening it all up 1000%, don’t let this intimidate you.
I’m going to give you some ideas.
(Sometimes this might be best to do alone in a secret journal to feel safe with — Of course, you could also talk to a qualified grief therapist or friend about it too).
Okay these are the steps I want you to follow with a pen and paper:
1. Identify what is holding you back.
Theres no right/wrong here, you probably already know.
Memories, family dynamics, impact on self esteem/worth, identity, low support, relationships.
Pop em down.
The trouble with grief and loss is that it stirs up a lot of OTHER stuff.
Or causes other issues - like not knowing who you are, feeling anxious all the time, issues with family members and people who support you (cause grief makes people go WEIRD).
2. Process.
Looking at the stuff you’ve written down on the page…
Ask yourself: “What does this all mean for me?”
Do you need to communicate it?
Do you need to sit with sadness or anger or fear?
Is it too scary to do that right now? P.s That’s ok!
Do you need to draw boundaries?
Allow yourself to be a bit random and intuitive here, no right or wrong.
2. Discovery of self and new life.
*This is good when you’re ready.
DO NOT rush here. You might do this a bit, or a lot, then not at all.
It’s a process.
Look at this little map — I love this.
The “ideal” is that we go between both equally.
Not avoiding and distracting TOO much, but also not finding grief so overwhelming we have no control over our own lives.
3. Active creation and managing the lows
How do you manage the lows, flashbacks, anxiety spirals?
Does it all come back to making you stuck and meaning a big bad thing?
Do you have coping skills in place?
What do you do when things get stuck or bad again?
Grief and loss is not linear.
It is more like a circle.
Your grief and pain is in the circle with you.
But we build other things, to fill that circle bit by bit.
Alongside the grief. To create a new way of being.
Sometimes with a new fire for life and appreciation that sits nicely along the sadness and anger.
What you want to make of this life?
❤️
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
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💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
💡 If you’d like to dig further into
here are 3 options to keep your growth going!
1. Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
I’ve specialised in grief and have significant lived experiences with it.
I’m here for you if you need.
Book a 1-1 session here.
2. Have you got your own question or issue you want help with?
💌Submit it anonymously for next weeks newsletter!
3. This is the resource I posted above but I love it so much i’m posting it AGAIN!!!
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
