Why your communication skills suck + what is really blocking you from saying how you feel
This week is about:
Your family upbringing, past relationships and mental health all interact together.
Let’s break it down to figure out how to really speak freely about how you feel and not freeze up or avoid conversations all together.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
IHey Friends,
Thanks to our family upbringings, past relationships or insecurities…
I would say most people on the planet, young and old struggle to speak up about how they feel in a productive, fulfilling way.
Personally, I think recent mental health awareness has done a great job at bringing light to how important it is to speak about how we feel for healthy relationships and our own mental health.
But… nobody talks about how to actually do it??
If you somehow muster up the courage to speak up, one of these 3 things likely happens:
a) It goes well and you think “i’m an idiot for not doing this sooner”
b) It goes okay (not a disaster) but you end up not really saying what you wanted to say, feel really awkward or the other person doesn’t reaaally hear you in the way you need to be heard
c) You blurt out a few things but then give up and back down, right back where you began
This week is for my b + c friends. I see you and we’re going to figure out what’s happening to make it so hard for you to actually follow through.
This weeks qu is..
❤️
This weeks qu is..
I’ve never been good at speaking up about my feelings whether that’s in a friendship or at work. Sometimes when I try it seems to go wrong like I’ve bottled things up too much and so I don’t say what I mean.
What advice do you have for learning to speak up about your feelings as things happen rather than letting it build?
thank you, love the newsletter so much!
❤️
👀There isn’t a perfect formula for perfect communication.
Which sucks.
Cause i’d love to give it to you (and myself tbh), so that we could run around freely communicating forever.
Buuuut the approach we need to take is going to depend on what the relationship is, what is worth communicating/what is worth letting go of and how much you’ve processed that emotion on your own. A lot of elements.
First of all, YOU need to be clear on what you feel.
How you feel can change obviously, but I am guessing that when you’re going to speak after bottling it all up — you haven’t processed enough to be clear and comfortable on what you are saying yet.
If you struggle to communicate how you feel to people, often it can be because you are not 100% backing yourself in what you are saying.
Maybe you don’t 100% feel confident and comfortable in how you feel, downplaying it to yourself.
Maybe you don’t yet know what you want this person to hear from you, because you don’t even know yourself.. you just know you feel bad and they need to know.
Sooo, because emotions are weird and messy and hard conversations are awkward and scary..
We need a more structured process to work through it.
🌸 A process for next time you want to communicate your emotions to someone
✍🏼 Write about it first
(You could also talk to a therapist or friend about it too! Whatever you need to do to process it!!)
Okay these are the steps I want you to follow with a pen and paper:
1. Identify.
What are you feeling in this moment? Don’t analyse ANYTHING.
This is brain dump time..
2. Process.
K, we’re analysing and exploring now.
Why does this hurt/frustrate/annoy you so much?
Is this connected to a past relationship/experience or is this the only incident?
Is this tied to feeling your self worth is threatened?
Are you worried about losing them, feel inadequate, feel ignored?
Are you downplaying your emotions? Do you believe you are worthy of communicating this? CLUE: YES!! YOU ARE!
Looking at the stuff you’ve written down on the page…
Ask yourself: “What does this all mean for me?”
Do you need to communicate it?
Do you need to wait to move through it, self soothe, get back into your happy zone to then reassess? (highly recommended)
Do you need to sit with what it’s like to feel offended and insecure, instead of communicating right away?
Do you need to draw a boundary with this person?
Then.. Bring it up.
Bring it up when it’s a 3/10 emotion, not a 10/10 emotion (not always avoidable, but try if you can).
Before you do…
Prepare.
What is the non negotiable you want to communicate?
How confident do you feel in that? eg. Are you downplaying it to yourself, are you worried they’ll disagree? Know that your emotions just ARE. They’re not dumb or silly, they exist even if you don’t want them to, so…
May as well back them.
What would you absolutely wish for in this conversation by the end?
What can you do to cope if they do not do that for you? (eg. more boundaries, self care, solidifying your self worth outside this relationship)
Engage in NVC (non-violent communication) strategies.
This isn’t to get the conversation “perfect”, it’s really just to practice structuring a conversation that gets out what you want!
Some people need this because they’re too aggressive, but use this to make sure you actually SAY the damn thing.
Lastly… Reflect so your new pattern sticks and you learn about yourself.
Once the conversation has occurred, reflect.
What happened? What did you notice you felt when you went to speak?
What stopped you from saying things?
eg. fear of being perceived as ___, freeze response.
Feel proud of yourself for trying!
From this experience — what are the next steps?
Give them time to show up for you? Reassess in 2 weeks?
More boundaries? Book a therapy session to work through it?
It’s all learning! Especially about you, what you want and what you find important in these interactions. Don’t waste it by avoiding reflection!
It’s telling you really important things about yourself and what is required for your happiness.
❤️
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
Need more support?
Check out my offerings below to get you to the life you have always deserved 💌
Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
💡 If you’d like to dig further into
here are 3 options to keep your growth going!
1. Let’s go deeper in a 1-1 therapy session to customise therapy for you.
There can be a looooot tied to our communication issues (hello family + past relationships!)
I’m here for you when you’re ready.
Book a 1-1 session here.
2. Have you got your own question or issue you want help with?
💌Submit it anonymously for next weeks newsletter!
3. Rosenberg was a LEGEND who came up with some amazing tools for communication that give you a template to draw from when things are tough to articulate.
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
