Unlocking Love: Healing Relationship Trauma and Becoming Secure with Ellie Rose, Australian Online Therapist
From the weekly newsletter, 03.
This week is about:
Accepting the human fear of being hurt and what we can all learn from heartbreak.
Disclaimer: Cocoon provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only. Information on this website and in the newsletter is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to confirm if this is right for you.
Hey Friends,
I’m thrilled to explore one of my favourite topics this week.
It’s one that has been a consistent theme in my life since I was 3 and ran around chasing boys in kindergarten (sad but true) and one that comes up at some point in almost every therapy session i’ve facilitated in the past 5+ years.
Let’s talk about 💕 l-o-v-e 💕
The question of the week is:
“My question is..: how to get over the fear that every relationship will end the same way/that
you can’t trust what your partners say about wanting you/a future with you.
(especially when this has been reinforced recently (ex. ended even though the
partners and relationships were totally different)) thanks <3”
Tips from a therapist and former-boy-chaser reformed…
According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, about 85% of people will experience a romantic breakup at some point in their lives.
That’s a lot of tears, anxious rumination and potential insecurities popping up. Given that most of us move on to new partners, let’s have a look at how to heal to give us the best shot at happy, healthy relationships full of trust.
Now, I searched high and low to find a researched source for this.. but I sadly can’t find one but i’ll share anyway.
In my final year of uni, my lecturer who was teaching about trauma counselling told us the most common topic that arises in the therapy room in refugee camps. Despite all possible topics you could imagine for human beings to discuss after being through what they had been through..
It was 💕 love and relationships💕
It’s incredibly, deeply, unavoidably human to love and crave relationships with others.
It’s also human to fear that things may repeat themselves when you have been hurt before.
I get it, you can’t trust what your partner says because of what you have been shown by others.
It’s simple math for your brain right, your brain is protecting you by predicting what may happen.
🤷 2+2 = 4
🤷 me + relationship + trust and vulnerability = it’s going to end and be like last time, let’s fear it to prepare ourselves.
So, what do we do?
You don’t need to “get over” the fear, okay my friend.
You are forgetting that you are human.
Of course you are scared your relationship will end and you will be hurt.
Because that would be really awful and you’d be sad, right?
But we cannot know what will happen (a sad truth, but truth nonetheless).
Even more, we aren’t able to be our full selves and enjoy our relationship to it’s full potential when we let this fear control everything.
🌩️ So… We gotta be with the fear.
It’s because you love now. GOOD. You have loved before. GOOD!
This is more about how you remember and think about that old relationship ending and hurting you, rather than this one.
Your mind is on high alert for hurt.
It’s okay, it’s trying to protect you.
Instead of “getting over the fear” (because it’s not going to leave 100% - nothing worth it like love is without risk which = fear in your brain).
🌩️ We need to DEAL with the fear and not let it be in the drivers seat🌩️
When we accept things being there, this releases the resistance and “sticky-ness” to the fear which therefore means it’s not as powerful over you and you can get on with enjoying your life and trusting your relationship.
Here’s how we’re going to do it..
✍🏻 The Strategy to Use ✍🏻
Write down your answers to these qu’s..
Your passion, excitement, love and dedication need to be in the drivers seat.
✍🏻 What values do you want to have in your relationship?
Trust?Healing of the past
✍🏻 Do you need to close a door?
Write a letter (that you burn/rip up/keep) to the ex.
Reflect on what you learned, what you would tell your heartbroken self back then.How will you manage the fear creeping up?
✍🏻 Eg. Saying ”thanks mind” to your brain when the fear comes up to dismiss it and give it less power, reconnect with your partner, SEE to believe (need differentiation in your mind - this is a new person!)Rewriting the narrative of your past heartbreak —> now.
✍🏻 Write down what beliefs and narrative you have of your past heartbreak. Easiest way to think about this is what you would tell someone you’ve never met about the breakup if you were being 100% open and vulnerable.
I’ll give you an eg:“I was stupid and should have seen it coming, I shouldn’t have trusted them. They ruined my life. I am embarrassed”.
It doesn’t mean that isn’t true (don’t gaslight yourself).
But what could be more helpful is something like this:
”I could not have known who they were until they showed me. I was open and loved in that relationship, I am a loving person and I am proud. They hurt me and I feel embarrassed. I learned that I am a strong person and what actions they take has nothing to do with me, they are in charge of their own life”.
This empowers you and rewrites how you see relationships, yourself and hopefully - your current partner.
PSA:
You get to decide the life you live now.
The fear will pop up every now and then, but the more you can relate to it with acceptance and understanding, then redirect —-> being present with what you WANT (trust, passion, fun), the less it will take over and have a loud voice.
___________
My podcast recommendation to dive deeper into relationships:
What it Takes to Create a Secure Relationship - The Flynn Skidmore Podcast.
A fellow therapist, Flynn is an absolute legend and powerhouse of information. This podcast ep will give you more tools to build your most secure self in relationships. Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
Submit it for next weeks newsletter!
I’d love to get to know you and support you 1-1.
Book a session here
Ellie Rose is the owner of Cocoon Mental Health.
Ellie is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist providing online counselling Australia wide for young people, teens and families.
Ellie provides online therapy sessions for anxiety, depression, family conflict, relationships, trauma and grief issues.
Ellie loves providing free therapy tips and tips for young people, as well as mental health workshops online to increase access to services across Australia.
Cocoon also provides professional development for counsellors, psychologists and social workers online in areas of youth mental health.