Friendships having an impact on your mental health? Here’s how to manage it.
This week is about:
Why friendships are harder than romantic relationships. Yes, you read that right.
Disclaimer: Cocoon provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only. Information on this website and in the newsletter is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to confirm if this is right for you.
Hey Friends,
The research is SOLID on the impact of friendships on our mental health. Having little to no quality friendships is shown to have a massive impact on our mental health, sense of self and overall wellbeing across our whole. lives.
Ya. Intense.
Figuring out how to manage your own self worth and identity is a PILLAR in sustaining long lasting, healthy friendships.
So, let’s jump in!
The question of the week is:
“My question is..: A friend seems to be pushing their insecurities and negative events happening in their life onto me/our friendship. How do I set boundaries without closing the door on the friendship? I have expressed my feelings and reasonings. Yet I feel like she completely ignores it and/or an excuse is given instead of her taking any accountability/self reflection. She is full of empty promises - words are almost a void with no real “meaning” because it’s never backed up with actions ever.
I’m not fully ready to cut them out of my life but the added drama/need for reassurance is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. It is a huge weight on my shoulders that is bringing me down. I know I shouldn’t care what people think about me and it really bothers me when I look like the bad guy in any situation. It is heavily weighing on myself and my own mental health and am struggling with how to navigate the situation.”
Ooooft, I feeeeel for you on this one.
Relationships are hard and honestly this may be a controversial take but..
Friendships are harder.
Yep, I said it!
There are unspoken expectations, messy boundaries and lines blurred frequently between friends.
There is also a (pretty silly) societal expectation that you should always be there for your friends when they need you, be kind and supportive to qualify as a “good” friend.
But our friends are messy, complex humans. So are we.
So, we end up in some pretty anxiety-inducing, awkward, draining situations that we don’t know how to move forward with.
We have a two choices here:
Keep going as you are.
Be honest with yourself - Can you cope if this doesn’t ever change? If no, go ahead to 2.Decide what is most important to you, develop security in THAT, communicate this further if you feel you need to and adjust your behaviour accordingly to protect your own mental health.
Friendships often define our identity (who we are), what we think and how secure we feel about ourselves.
In family therapy, this is called enmeshment.
As it sounds - you are enmeshed with another feelings, perceptions and emotions and how they act sways your mental health.
Nooooo shame in that at all - I’d say 100% of the population is enmeshed to some extent. And we do not want to become robots not connected to or affected by anyone, but there’s a balance and here’s how we’re going to strike it.
The Strategy to Use.
Write down your answers to these qu’s:
1. What do you value in friendship?
It could be fun, kindness, emotional clarity.
Write it down.
2. From there:
Decide what your non-negotiables are in a friendship to protect yourself.
Is it positive mental health? Respect?
3. Boundaries:
I know you mentioned you don’t want to close the door on your relationship.
Boundaries actually signify we want the relationship to continue, it’s an act of care that signals “hey I want to do this, but in a way that is sustainable for both of us”. Otherwise you would just ghost them lol (easier).
Phrasing may look something like this:
“Hey, (acknowledge an observation you’ve made such as their behaviour) —> (say how it makes you feel) —> (state kindly what you require to continue being a supportive, close friend)” —> follow through with your behaviour to protect yourself.
3. Who are you without them?
We become enmeshed and interpret others behaviour, attitude and words toward us as the absolute truth.
AKA
We take it personally.
Strengthening who you are outside of the relationship (individuation) means you will be in a much better position to deal with what’s going on with her. Here’s the strategy to dig deeper and get you on the right path.
Following through with your OWN behaviour for yourself is the answer to maintaining boundaries.
PSA: It’s hard and you might feel mean/bad, so make sure you do other activities and regulation strategies (exercise, meditation, journalling) to make sure you do the right aligned thing for your self care don’t back out.
Here are some rec’s below:
Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
Submit it for next weeks newsletter!
Thank you so much for being here.
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I am a counsellor specialising in adolescents and young adults struggling with anxiety, adjustment issues, depression, self esteem and family-based trauma and grief.
I offer online counselling in Australia for young people.