Why does my family trigger me so much, even after all this time?
Our families can have a hold on us, even as we become adults and try to create our own lives.
Here’s why they trigger you and what to do about it so you can move on.
Ahhhh families.. We love them, we can’t stand them, and 99% of the time - there’s at least one person who triggers us time and time again.
Maybe you’ve ranted about it over and over, maybe you’ve put some boundaries in, tried to be the “bigger person”, maybe you’ve talked to your therapist 50,000 about it - sooo why is it still getting to you?
What my internal dialogue feels like when I see that family member..
This strike a chord with you? Want to do a bit of digging into your family dynamics to patch up those wounds and move forward with purpose?
Let’s explore this with a 1-1 therapy session here
OR if therapy sessions aren’t your thing, check out our free resources inside the Cocoon
You can do all the logical processing in the world, but the fact still stands.
Our brains and bodies are like big hard drives of information, emotional memory, visual memory - generally things that have hurt you, stay in your body and mind as little wounds (don’t let this scare you - we can work through it to heal it!).
Another thing is known to be true - Without intentional action and growth - the dynamics in our families stay the same. The patterns stay the same, so mum/dad/Aunt Sue is probably going to treat you similarly as they did before, unless they’ve got some self awareness and can change.
So, when you have these “bruises” let’s call them,
things are going to likely repeat themselves even when you’re adult that triggers a memory or emotion from way back, bringing out some child/teen emotions that are lurking somewhere inside of you.
These emotions may not be the most “rational” - which is where you might be going hold on what why am I so upset?!
⚡️ To get to the bottom of it, consider the two things that could be happening here (or both at the same time!): ⚡️
- Your reaction is a sign that you may need to do some emotional processing, digesting, healing of your past so the emotions have moved through and are not sitting there stagnant, unprocessed and waiting for a trigger to explode like a land mine.
You might like to do this through reflection and exploration of the below questions, using writing or one of our free resources here:
What are the key emotions coming up? eg. anger, loneliness
Where have I felt this before? Is there a memory attached here? A dynamic that has been playing out for a long time?
What does adult me (now) know that my younger self did not?
Eg. I now know my father struggles to regulate his emotions and he lashes out at people. This is not my fault, and his words aren’t reflective of who I am as a person - it is his patterning
How can I give myself what I need? eg. space, understanding (could also look like support with someone
- You need to acknowledge you may always have this reaction and that. is. okay. One of my biggest frustrations with when people talk about “healing” these days is that being an emotionally aware, responsible adult does not mean NEVER having emotions or being upset by our family. It might always be a thing that gets on your nerves or hurts a little inside - expect it, accept it and build some skills to cope, but ultimately not let it impact how you live your life.
More of a visual/audio kinda human?
Here’s a short reel from Instagram where I explain this concept briefly!
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Ellie is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Sydney, Australia. She provides online individual counselling therapy sessions for young people going through tough family stuff such as grief, conflict and trauma to heal, rebuild and discover what a big, fulfilling life could look like.
Ellie also thrives on creating accessible mental health knowledge through free mental health resources (downloads available here) and involvement with media to empower people with down to earth info, tips and strategies that invite real change.