Why we try to anxiously control our lives when we’re scared of the unknown
Why do I need to know what happens next to be able to enjoy right now?
On planning the future and controlling everything to give myself permission to relax and have fun. How can I enjoy right now even when it's messy and unknown?
Perfectionism, control and the deep mechanisms that kept me stuck in living the life I want.
Spiral, spiral, spiral.
Plan, plan, plan.
Feel anxiety in my chest, think about why, figure out a way to make sure that fear doesn’t happen, good okay.
What’s next?
Oh, that other thing I don’t know about!
Like that person i’m seeing, what will happen with us?
Will they want the same things I do? Will I be happy with them when i’m 45?
Can I do my job for the next 40 years?
Oh god.. I can’t work for another 40 years that’s torture.
I want to travel, but where do I get the money? I don’t want to dive into my savings.. but I guess when i’m dead none of that will matter…
What is life? Am I living my life right? I should make some goals for September.
I should work on my attachment style. I should get really good at running.
Yes, this is how my head works. Always has.
If this feels totally foreign to you and I sound nutso, then… well… lucky you I guess? Because my brain has been switched on raring to go for what feels like my whole existence.
If there is 1 thought, i’ve thought 10 more as offshoots to accompany them!!!! Yay!
(I will often say to my clients when we’re collaborating on a more logistical/plan-based issue “hold on, i’ve had 3 thoughts let me shorthand it down”.. it’s been a personal feat being able to condense my reflections back to clients one at a time to not overstimulate them).
But, after living like this for 30 odd years (and going through my Saturn return if you believe in that kinda thing), I was forced to reassess how I was living my life.
I had meticulous little plans for almost every year from ages 18-31 and sorry to ruin the end of the story for you but um…
Not one of them went to plan.
I had built my existence (and by and large, mental health) on the fragile foundations on each future goal and imagining how my life would look in 5+ years.
So that when the time came, I either didn’t get that thing when/in the way I wanted or I did and I was severely disappointed with how it felt (not how I imagined it would).
I was forced to wrestle with the grumpy little part of me that was sick my own BS, who understandably asked:
“We can’t live our life like this,
or we’ll never be happy.
Sooo.. Ellie, how are we going to sustainably manage our relationship to the unknown?”
Because you can do alllllllll the damn breathing exercises and anxious thought challenging you like (believe me, i’ve tried!!!!), but when you’re living with the deep rooted perception that life can be coaxed, controlled and “won”, you’re going to live a life permanently getting your ass and emotions kicked.
And it’s not even that things fell apart or went badly, some of the best things that happened to me like my relationship, my friendships, career twists and turns and overall who i’ve become as a person have been 100% unplanned.
And I decided I want MORE of that.
MORE unknown, interesting experiences and surprises and when they aren’t positive ones, to be able to live my life enjoying it anyway.
Instead of spending my life running to the next goal until it doesn’t work out, I feel devastated and lost and disillusioned and annoyed I wasted my time, and then we go over and over again until I leave the earth.
NOPE!
I want more.
So, here are the key concepts i’m living by to enjoy life in it’s mess, instead of gripping on with control and anxiety.
(which i’ve been doing for the past year with some solid success!!!).
You must build and maintain access to your deep self that knows you are worthy and can handle hard things.
Most of my work with my clients stems back to building up a ‘self’.
It sounds odd, but it’s basically secure attachment in our own SELVES.
So that when anxiety, comparison, disappointment, triggers, insecurities, big wounds come up, we have this steady self that can handle it without flipping out, abandoning ourselves, projecting making decisions based on validation and insecurity.
Self goes “Ah okay, this is shit. We can feel things, process them, not like them AND we can still know who we are and make whole hearted, secure choices”.
You must live in a state of process, not continuously chasing the outcome.
Is the week or month you’re living usually what you cherish, love and want?
Or is it kinda meh and full of things you hate but that 1 goal is going to be really good?
… Maybs reassess.
Do the work to figure out why you’re wanting, craving and doing the things you’re doing and make sure you’re okay with that
Why do you want the things you want? Have you ever deeply thought about it?
Are your motivations remnants of your family upbringing, chasing insecurities, comparing to others? Or are they truly things you want and you could tell me why?
Life’s random challenges are a lot easier to deal with when we know ourselves.
We must be both realistic and philosophical about life.
When you’re getting spirally, go big.
Experience things that are a yes, minimise everything that is a no.
Life isn’t perfect completion of each year where you get little medals for everything you tick off. It’s a weird 80ish year experience if we’re lucky and it’s largely how you want to make the most of it.
What I really came to realise is that when i’m planning, spiralling or feeling lost,
i’m just scared.
If I am honest with myself rather than analysing life over and over, it’s fear almost every time.
It’s okay to be scared, we don’t know what the hell is going to happen and there’s not much we can do about it… um, scary!!!!
But instead of going into a state of robot like panic and asking ourselves “what will I do?, so that we can solve the fear, I think what we really need to ask ourselves honestly and sometimes brutally is..
What am I scared of?
Because I pinky promise you,
acknowledging my true, deep self underneath all of the spiralling has given me oceans more certainty, clarity and comfort than any 10 point plan did or ever will ❤️
With lots of love,
Ellie
❤️