Your "independence" may just be more insecure attachment. Here's how to become securely attached.
I keep seeing and hearing people talk about their "independent" era. Cutting out relationships, doing things themselves, putting in firm boundaries.
These are all AWESOME things to protect your wellbeing and mental health.
If you're securely attached, or have high awareness of how your attachment style might play into your behaviour.
Your independent era may just be more insecure attachment, and here's why.
Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are often thought of as the opposite.
Anxious is never feeling like things are ENOUGH in relationships (like always being hungry for more connection, don't trust that things are okay) and avoidant is feeling like things are TOO much in relationships (causing you to run away, sabotage relationships and shut down). But the truth is - the core is the same.
At the core of BOTH anxious and AVOIDANT is lack of trust and security in self and relationships - just in different coats of paint.
True secure is when we can manage our emotions, have intimate connected relationships with people AND (most important part) we aren’t swayed to and fro depending on how much or little attention someone gives us.
So how do we heal our attachment to become secure and living free?
Clinical research into attachment issues says relationships are the KEY.
What does this mean? Well…
Being brave enough to build and heal IN connected relationships, rather than avoiding them - is the best way to become securely attached.
So, to get your attachment more secure - take a pen to paper (or just think about it/talk about it with someone you trust!) and follow these steps:
Reflect on specific experiences that have made you distrustful
(These could be family relationships - someone somewhere taught you that you can’t trust and need to protect yourself).
Need to separate your current experience from the past so you can REWIRE this attachment.
Literally say to yourself - this is not ____, they show me EVIDENCE I can trust them or have comfortable space its ok and I’m ok
Engage in emotional regulation techniques when you notice yourself pulling away.
Ask yourself - how can you manage the icky feeling of either wanting to run away OR wanting to chase them down if you're more anxious?
How can you actually do the OPPOSITE of what your urge is telling you to do sometimes? Eg. connect when wanting to run away, occupy yourself and reassure yourself when feeling anxious.
Brains are amazing because they can be fired and wired all over again.You don't have to live out these patterns and feelings forever - how good is that!
Ellie Rose
Psychotherapy and counselling
Sydney, Australia |. Available online
Counselling for youth mental health and family issues.
Working through fam stuff to be free and move on is something i’m all too familiar with - i’ve been there.
That’s what motivated me to do my study to become a therapist and help young people move through the same things I went through.
Getting you to where you want to be is my bread and butter, so let’s get started!