Why can we be so nice to others, but not to ourselves? This therapy technique reveal the answer.
This week is about:
The ever elusive self compassion.
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Hey Friends,
Why are we so nice to the people we care about, but so mean to ourselves?
Why is it so easy to see other peoples perspectives, but so hard to back our own?
Why is it so simple to know that judging myself only hurts me more and makes me feel worse, yet it is so complex in applying that knowledge?
I’m not 100% sure how the pyramids were built, or where Stonehenge came from..
But I do have some clinical insights and resources to help us try and navigate one of the weirdest phenomena of humanity..
The battle with self compassion.
This weeks qu is..
My question is..: how can i show myself the same kindness/compassion i show others without a doubt when i just don’t feel like i’m deserving of it?
❤️
Oooooooh boy, if this isn’t the question of the century.
Don’t hate me, but the answer is going to be different for all of us.
Most of the time the block that stops you from applying the ability to be self compassionate to others is rooted in history.
This could be your family upbringing, family modelling, intergenerational trauma’s, past romantic relationships, past educational experiences.
It could also be something more simple as being a perfectionistic over thinker who has never been genuinely taught to be a flawed human being like the rest of us.
Before we dig into how to become more compassionate toward your lovely self who very, very likely deserves it (and that is a hill i’ll die on even if you argue with me you do not deserve it), I have a great book recommendation to mention that talks about how to practically navigate this from a trauma-lens if that experience relates to you -
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma & Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model - (The link is to Amazon as it’s easiest, but use your local small bookshop to support instead though pls 😉)
Okay, I am going to give you a legit practical strategy to help (pinky promise!) but before I do..
🪐 THE EXERCISE 🪐
⚡ 3 questions straight up
i’m bursting to ask you…
(and I would recommend you journal about or talk to a therapist/friend/whoever with or
we can also book a session time to talk about it more just you and I)
1. Why do you give others love, compassion and kindness?
Eg. Because you care, because they deserve it, because you don’t think much about it it’s just what you do for a friend/partner
2. Why do you feel that you are uniquely undeserving?
Eg. Something in your upbringing/past relationships informed you of this illusion, it just feels that way, I don’t know, because i’m bad/stupid/make mistakes/mean
3. What are you guessing right now is the disconnect between why you can give so freely to them and not yourself?
You obviously have the capacity to love and be kind and compassionate, what guesses can you make that lead to you excluding yourself?
There’s no right/wrong here. Just take some guesses that feel kinda sorta right..
The things we find challenging in our minds and existence (like self lovin’) are challenging because they’re stuck in a pattern.
When we’re stuck it’s really hard to know how to get out of it.
Kinda like being head first in a black box and not knowing what is what.
SO.. Asking these questions begins to unlock you from the black box with perspective and new info.
Which gives us a foundation to change up how we do things and actually implement the practical strategies so they stick.
Think of it like intentionally putting really good soil down (the reflection) before you plant some pretty roses that you hope will bloom (the practical strategies).
So… sit in that for a bit. Be curious about the what why when how and who.
Talk to whoever you need to, to guide you through it.
Then we’ll move onto the practical…
Alright, let’s do it..
🌼 A tool to be more self compassionate 🌼
A thought, feeling or experience happens then likely sends you into a reaction or spiral of not being compassionate or kind to yourself.
At times, low self compassion is tied to perfectionism, and today you need to stop viewing yourself as a perfect, robot person who must always be good and perfect, but instead you are…
Just a human.
Who likely tries their best. Who was born no more or less worthy than everyone else.
Who likely is just human-ing around the world like the rest of us.
So.. next time you catch yourself in the spiral..
PAUSE your automatic pattern of judgement, blame, harshness, critique toward yourself.
We are NOT getting on that train this time. We have stopped it at the station.
Ask yourself:
What is good and joyful and kind about me?
Who’s voice does this sound like critiquing me? (mum, dad, sibling, teacher, ex-partner, ex-friend)
How can I also acknowledge my light instead of only my dark?
(Insert any other mantra/reflection to remember from your digging that you found)
To build self compassion as our normal state, we need to stop the pattern (as your brain is legitimately wired this way from doing it over and over again).
The STOP is the key to shift it.
THEN redirect it.
I find a mix of the digging (the why of how you got to this place unable to be compassionate to yourself) and practical tools implemented consistently build that muscle of self compassion.
It’s likely that if you are a naturally perfectionistic, not-chill, anxious person (like me lol), you may find yourself being mean to yourself again in the future. And that’s alright, too.
But just like if a kid does something “incorrectly”, we gently guide ourselves back to a safer, more loving and actually more “efficient” way of being.
Nothing good ever came from beating yourself up.
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
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I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.