The real reason you get anxious in social situations.
This week is about:
The fear of how others are perceiving you, AKA dreaded social anxiety.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from the 16th edition of my newsletter, ‘Therapy Thursdays’
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Hey Friends,
Hey Friends,
One of my most visceral memories is locking myself in the bathroom at a party.
I was 17 and I was 100% convinced people hated me.
Nobody necessarily did anything to cause this reaction, but the anxiety was so strong it was the only possible truth in my mind with no rationality to fight it.
I feel comfortable to share this with you, because I can say now that..
I go to parties.
I talk to random people all the time.
I meet strangers weekly on a Zoom call who become my beloved clients, who I know are sizing me up and looking at me and watching my every move.
And do I still feel anxious? Absolutely.
But I don’t let the anxiety make me believe anything negative about myself like it used to, and that’s the difference.
Let’s dig into the most prevalent issue I probably see in therapy (as it can take so many forms for so many reasons).
Social anxiety.
This weeks qu is..
”I feel like I used to be able to socialise with a group of people flawlessly but now I have doubts and anxieties about it, how do I cope with this?”
❤️
🧠 Quick neurobiology/evolution lesson for ya..
A large element of how we successfully evolved from caveman —> 2024 with Instagram followers and endless marketing online was PEOPLE.
Social connections, bonding, communities.
How we connect to others and wish to belong is inherently, DEEPLY in our bodies and brains.
When feeling accepted and connected, we get feel good hormones.
When we feel rejected, we feel intense emotional pain similar to physical pain when they compare using brain scans.
In my opinion, the way we talk about social anxiety and how to be more “confident” in 2024 is a little misguided.
We need to go a bit deeper rather than just give you “5 tips to be more confident!”, before you try them and fail and feel even more hopeless because they didn’t last, because that doesn’t actually address the root cause.
Want to help your social anxiety long term?
Do this instead.
My guess is that it is a shift in how you feel that you are being perceived.
The real, core issue is likely how you feel about yourself.
How has your sense of self changed?
Is there anything else going on that could be making you feel more insecure?
💡 5 steps to cope:
Discover what is really underlying the social anxiety.
It’s likely really about how you feel about yourself.
What do you fear being seen as?
How would you “get it wrong” in a social interaction and what would that mean about you?
Where did this all come from? (family upbringing, past friendships, past relationships, being shy, not being taught how to manage anxiety, having “shy” parents)
Reflect here.
Big time.
Give yourself some time to journal and dig into it to figure out whats really happening, because it’s likely the thing that is continuing your social anxiety and quick tips are going to be a bandaid fix that will stop working as soon as you’re in a new situation that triggers your anxiety again.Use grounding strategies before interactions and during to steady you.
What can you stare at to distract you a little? Can you ground your feet and concentrate on a sensation?
Can you take bathroom breaks to go and take deep belly breaths?
Anxiety is largely physical, you need to regulate.Set yourself experiments to break the loop of anxiety.
You need to experience yourself doing the scary thing —> knowing that you survived —> reflecting that you ARE capable and worthy and great.
Avoidance breeds more anxiety, i’m afraid.Make sure you reflect after every social interaction with what you felt went WELL (not wrong) journal, therapy, conversations.
Bottom line is.. .Your confidence is likely the place to dig into.
What have you interpreted from the world to believe that you are bad/not good/embarrassing/boring?
And how can you do the deeper work on your relationship with yourself
(+ using practical strategies to regulate your anxiety) to continue to show yourself you’re great and socialising is something you’re very capable of?
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
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I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
