How to trust when you’ve been disappointed before
2025 has been off to such a stellar start as i’ve been loving meeting some new faces + connecting back with my current clients to work on their goals for 2025.
If you need some extra help with your life vision for 2025, book in here or pop me an email at ellie@cocoonmentalhealth.com if you have any qu’s before we hang out - always happy to chat + steer you in the right direction!
*I can see clients worldwide apart from Canada and the US, just make sure your timezone is correct upon time of booking!
This week is about:
Attachment wounds and the answer to trying again after always finding ourselves disappointed by those we trust.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from the 27th edition of my newsletter, ‘Therapy Thursdays’
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Hey Friends,
I am not quite sure how to start this newsletter.
I want to acknowledge a lot of us live with a lot of pain and hurt we don’t talk about.
Whether it came to us in our childhoods, in our early adult relationships or somewhere else - we all have something tender that makes us go “oooh, that hurts to think about, let’s not touch that”.
Doooon’t worry, i’m not going to make you dive in and sit with it and feel it and talk about it like you probably expect from a therapist.
We can dance around it if you’d like, but I hope this week gives you something to think about.
Even if it’s just for no other reason but to let yourself off the hook a little and know it’s okay to hold pain - but it’s also okay to hope for a different future for yourself.
This weeks qu is..
❤️
How can I be more secure in romantic relationships if I grew up being disappointed by every man in my life?
*I’m only going to focus on the self work part to help with your attachment/feelings, but most of the time there is also work to be done in the relationship to build trust.
Eg. Acts to slowly build trust over time, assessing if someone is right for you or not, communicating needs. I’ve attached a resource at the bottom for some intel into this!
For the sake of applicability and accessibility to everyone here,
i’m going to generalise men = all genders for our newsletter today.
If we’re really honest with ourselves deep down, I think a lot of us feel this block to trusting and feeling secure in relationships (future ones and current ones).
It’s terrifying to trust someone and so hard not to spiral into expecting them to do exactly what others have done.
If we want to feel more secure, build trusting relationships and be able to manage our anxiety - I find it easier to lay the foundations by understanding why this happens to us.
Simply put: Your brain generalises and puts things in neat little boxes to keep you safe and not hurt again.
This is why we hear people talk about negative beliefs a lot — To understand things our mind, our subconscious + conscious mind categorises things to make it simple and easily accessible.
When we have pain in life, this process is intensified.
Historically as we have evolved, our minds categorise and cement memories or messages EVEN MORE when they’re painful or scary.
Again, to keep us safe.
Just like how people with PTSD get flashbacks of a specific traumatic image/memory, but maybe can’t remember what they had for breakfast yesterday.
Pain = extra good storage…
Which sucks, obviously and feels outdated and unrelated to our 2025 challenges.
But I think that’s really important to understand for how we feel insecure in relationships and feel everyone will let us down, because we can extract the “truth” from it.
Not saying your experiences and fears aren’t valid btw, they 100% are.
But knowing that your brain does that thing…
We need to be aware of how we think that we need to be able to 110% trust someone as a guarantee we won’t get hurt.
Unfortunately, this paralyses us because we can’t guarantee that.
Let me explain a little more…
The people who disappointed you growing up:
a) You likely didn’t choose to be in your life (cause you were a kid/teen)
b) You likely didn’t have the mental, emotional or physical resources to stand up for yourself or process things in a balanced way
c) There was likely some manipulation, gaslighting, blame/shame put on you for you to internalise these experiences to generalise to the whole population
So what do we do?
We need to isolate these experiences again in your brain.
These people were not great.
These people perhaps didn’t have the emotional depth, capacity or language to treat you properly.
That hurts.
That is unfair.
When you’re a kid you HEAVILY take that photo snap shot as you were when you were 10 or whatever.
It lives in your brain and body, not processed, not evolved with your age and understanding.
We need to update it.
For example:
As a kid, you generalised to “everyone will hurt me”, because if that’s all you know.. of course a kid is going to think “huh, that’s just how it is”.
Maybe you generalised to “I have to be a certain person/version of myself to avoid getting hurt” or “there is something unlovable about me, so people always disappoint me and leave”.
Not realising that there was an adult (likely, i’m not sure i’m just guessing) who didn’t handle things well.
Not realising that this had nothing to do with you or the whole species of men/women/people/whoever. Just them.
Can we create room for more?
More curiosity, even a slight opening that there is potential hope?
Not that you’ll find the perfect person who will never disappoint you, because that doesn’t exist.
But that you will navigate your relationships with love, hope and respect.
You won’t let it get to the place of disappointment a lot of the time because now you are better resourced.
If someone hurt you, you’d be okay.
We do need to take the risk.
Acknowledging that hurt and disappointment are inevitable in a romantic relationship.
But it won’t mean what it meant before…
Here’s an exercise to sink all of that in, so that you can find stability and trust in yourself most of all.
A process to de-generalise your experiences so you can move forward
and trust again
1. Write down your disappointments and pain.
This can be hard, but we need to start here.
Who disappointed you, what did they say, what did this imprint in your belief system?
How can we see them as memories that happened, not universal truths about the world?
2. What do you want in this life?
Ya, big question I know but I find I need to clarify it for myself when i’m in an emotional crisis because I forget.
Do you want a committed, long term relationship?
Do you want peace of mind?
Do you want to be open, loving, accepting toward this gender when you’re exploring dating?
Do you want to balance feeling secure/confident in yourself and what you have to offer, but also being
I don’t think there’s ever a right/wrong unless it’s morally wrong.
You don’t need to trust everyone ever (you prob shouldn’t).
You don’t need to be in a relationship.
But i’m guessing you want something different.
So..
3. Is it worth the risk?
Knowing that you’re an adult and they’re an adult?
A part of you will likely scream “NO!”.
But what part of you do you want to lead?
The fearful part of you who wants to self sabotage, spiral, back away?
Or the slightly scared but ultimately brave and steady part of you, who knows if nothing else - you can be proud of how you show up, giving yourself a chance at creating a relationship with a special person?
Knowing that if anything was to happen, like them disappointing you..
It would hurt.
But it is much more nuanced than when you were a child, because you have an adult brain who knows others actions are nothing to do with you.
And you have done the work to
And probably the most important part….
Knowing what you know from the above…
4. Find your anchors.
When you’re dating or contemplating dating, do not spiral.
What in your actions can you be proud of?
How can you remember that romantic relationships are one part luck, 2 parts compatibility, 1 part your self esteem and knowing when to enjoy what’s healthy/stand on your own two feet when it’s not?
How can you hold little bits of hope, knowing that if you are a good, kind person — there are other good, kind people just like you?
And if you haven’t met those good, kind people yet and it feels bleak..
Trust me. They exist.
I’ve met tonnes of them - all genders, in sessions telling me their fears and wounds and showing their strength and kindness and wish for another person to see that too.
❤️
It feels a bit cringe to say, but I don’t care because the world already has enough rules for me to worry about being cringe..
You can decide not to trust someone or want a relationship.
But let it be your decision.
Please do not let it be someone shitty in your past making that decision and taking away the possibility of a relationship you deserve from you.
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
Thanks so much for reading.
💡 Love hurts.
Trusting people is hard.
If you need more resources to feel at peace with trusting a random with your heart (that’s all dating is eventually anyway),
here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
A podcast for you to listen to if you’re more of a solo learner..
Stephanie goes through attachment wounds and how to slowly rebuild trust (in others + ourselves).
Soooo good!
Need more support?
Check out my offerings below to get you to the life you have always deserved 💌
Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
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Book a 1-1 session here.
I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
