How do you get over a situationship? Rewire your attachment style.

This week is about:

The messiest, vaguest of relationships may be harder to move on from, but there is a way.

Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.

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Hey Friends,

Did you know that the term “situationship" was only invented in 2017?!

Wild.

Situationship is a vague, wishy-washy romantic relationship without a clear definition or commitment.
The internet (always a reliable source) says that it’s often considered a "hookup with emotional benefits", increased in the context of online dating platforms like Tinder.

Although, I have no doubt that our medieval brothers and sisters way back in the day probably had an equivalent and this has been going on forever, but I doooo think it’s become a lot more frequent in the last 10 years.
I have a lot of thoughts as to why and how from a sociological perspective
(the internet/online dating/social media and generational changes being a major impact) - but i’ll save it for another day!

When done well, situationships can be great!
You get to explore what you like and don’t like, have connection with another without the pressure of a committed relationship.

But when it’s not actually what you want (even if you say it is to get them to think you’re “chill”) and the communication/boundaries are terrible between you guys..

it causes a slow erosion of your self esteem, belief and hope in relationships.

We’ll explore why they hurt so bad from an attachment perspective + then we will get into how to move on healthily.

No getting under someone to get over someone or aggressive gym regimes.
Just you and your self esteem intact, taking on the world.

YES boring but also stable and healthy so..

Let’s go.

This weeks qu is..

❤️
Why is getting over a situationship so hard?
And how do I do it?

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Click here for more info + share with anyone you think could benefit!
Spots close end of Feb.

K, quick neuroscience lesson!

Pls don’t click away because that sounds boring, I promise i’ll make it quick like ripping off a bandaid! It’s important for how you’re going to heal.

Our brains HATE disorder.
Your brain will ALWAYS go towards security and safety.
It’s deeeeeep deeeeeep in your brain since the first humans existed.

So..

When something is vague, without clear boundaries and swithce sup unpredictably = worst nightmare for your brain.

This also means the past modeling of relationships, our self-esteem, and attachment can be triggered strongly, because your brain is trying to figure out what the heck it can do with this new information to make you feel safe and predict things.

In a nutshell, here’s what makes it hard to get over:

It’s 110% out of your control.
Likely no closure, with a pattern of on-off communication.
The hope that maybe it’ll change.

Basically, it can be harder to move on from than a committed relationship because you might not actually know them THAT well, but you’ve imagined or projected things, which leads to a ton of rumination about their motives.

You end up psychoanalysing them and reading into their texts way too much because your brain doesn’t have much else to work with.

But you end up jumping to conclusions, fantasising and feeling anxious and crappy.

Situationships can be a bit easier to get over a committed relationship, as you don’t have the same shared memories, length of time together, or life experience that can make it so difficult to move on from a relationship that has spanned years.
But THOSE breakups usually have more communication, you know the reasons for the ending and you have some control in the game.
Situationships? None of that.

Here’s what I would recommend to move on from what feels like quicksand swallowing you whole…

How to move on from your situationship.

In the most balanced, healthy and not-toxic way
(No aggressive glow ups or making yourself super busy to distract yourself).

1. Put your finger on why it hurt you so much.

Stop pretending you’re fine and should get over it ASAP, first thing.
You care and that’s fine, the more you ignore it the more it will just stay lying low in your emotions and you may not move on as quick or healthy as you’d like.

Let me put it this way, this could’ve happened to someone else and it may sting, but wouldn’t hurt as bad.
That’s not to make you feel somethings wrong with you, but its just that you need to know WHY it hurts

eg. Random person on the street tells me my hair is blue, im like ok?? cause its not.
My best friend tells me they hate my outfit, HURTS.
I care about their opinion, I want their approval and I deeply want to feel I belong with them.

Some qu’s to ask yourself:
Did it prove (in your mind) you’re unlovable?
Not funny/smart/hot enough?
This can link to past relationship/family triggers, (esp. if youre in situationships often and its not what you want..

Think about why.
Likely its a pattern you need to process and get out of, to foster relationsgips you really want .

2. Stop the ruminations, psychoanalysing and THINKING about what they’re thinking, what their message meant and what will happen in the future.

Soooo much of the pain is because you’re meaning making and projecting to try and find control and

STOP. Be present.
Catch yourself when you’re spiralling.
Text a friend, write notes in your phone, then distract yourself.
You have to stop feeding into it.

3. This is the most important..

What do you actually care about, what do you deserve + what are you going to do now to get that?

I know you’re gonna tell me you probably do just want them.

But in your heart of hearts…

Assuming you want a long term, committed relationship with this person..

Do you want to commit to someone who doesn’t want to commit to you?
I know that’s harsh, and we wish they just WOULD be different.
But they’re not.

And that hurts.

I want you to acknowledge it hurts
(cry, talk to your close people, process it in therapy).

BUT..

Then what little step can you take toward what you DO want?

Maybe it’s clarifying your boundaries next time you date.
Maybe it’s hanging out with your friends more.
Maybe it’s communicating more in the future to get your needs across.

Whatever it is — a lot of “moving on” is about action in small but consistent ways that build up the life you want.
Instead of waiting for that person to come back/text you/behave how you need them to.

Create it yourself.

2 MAIN things to takeaway:

1. The inside:
Understand it triggers the most insecure parts of you.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

2. The outside:
Create what you want take control back through your actions rather than relying on someone else to give you security which just keeps you anxious, shut down or insecure.

Acknowledge how you feel, it doesn’t matter that it’s “just” a situationship — you are feeling things. That’s okay.

Then move forward slowly,
intentionally creating the relationships and life that you really want.

Instead of relying on someone else to get their sh*t together.

Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie

Thanks so much for reading.

There’s a lot of stuff in our subconscious that contribute to situationships happening + really hurting us.
Here are 4 options to keep your growth going!

A podcast for you to listen to if you’re more of a solo learner..
Stephanie goes through attachment wounds and how to slowly rebuild trust (in others + ourselves).
Soooo good!