Why you need to practice being more vulnerable if you want success in mental health, relationships and happiness. Strategies + journal prompts straight from the therapy room.
This week is about:
Without wanting to run away into the isolated hills of a rural village on a hill somewhere.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
Vulnerability is terrifying.
But nothing good is possible without it.
Last week I answered a question from a lovely person struggling with cracking the next level of their healing - becoming vulnerable so that they could trust people in their romantic life.
Vulnerability carries a certain weight for every single one of us.
I don’t think there’s anyone on the earth that couldn’t rate their ability/willingness/interest in being vulnerable /10, if they tried.
And our skill and discomfort level would all be for different reasons, built from different relationship experiences, hurt, pain, confidence levels, family upbringings and personalities.
For 99% of us, being vulnerable does not come naturally and is not easy or simple or fun.
So i’m digging deeper to give more specific, more gradual and more gentle ways to practice being more vulnerable this week.
May you see the value in being vulnerable, instead of the risk, whatever that looks like in your life in this season.
This weeks qu is..
What are small ways to practice being more vulnerable?
❤️
“Umm.. Why the HELL would I want to be more vulnerable?!
That leads me to risky business, possible hurt and rejection?!”
I hear you say..
(Well, maybe that’s just a guess - inside my head that’s what you say back to me through the computer/phone screen when you read the title of this newsletter).
Wanna know what makes the world go around?
Vulnerability and healthy, well adjusted people who aren’t afraid of it.
Wanna know what makes the world stop, feel dull, painful, scary and hard?
Relationships and people who don’t know how to embrace vulnerability, therefore acting in anxious, fearful ways that hurt themselves in the end.
No, really.
I believe that the major issues we see in mental health, relationships, families and honestly - society as a whole - come from an inability to embrace vulnerability.
Because we are all vulnerable, if we are in relationships, living, working, existing - you’re vulnerable at all times. The issues occur when we try to pretend that we’re not.
A life without vulnerability is also just… really boring.
Things stay on the surface and we don’t really know ourselves or the people in our lives.
Sorry, bit harsh but I just had to chuck that out there..
We all have to decide why we want to be more vulnerable because it’s gotta be worth it… because that’s what you have to hold onto and keep as the lighthouse when it feels hard.
So, before we get into the small steps to take, we need to ask ourselves..
”Why is being vulnerable worth it for me?”
Whatever that is, we need to keep that at the centre of what we do - so that we don’t give up when it becomes hard.
3 small actions to take consistently to be more vulnerable (for your self-determined purpose that you just chose) and it not feel totally, completely awful
State your needs to give insight into the dungeons of your heart and soul.
Tangibly having a direction to practice your vulnerability is helpful rather than just a vague “be vulnerable”, and needs is a great place to start.
This can be verbally - Spoken out loud or texted to someone you feel you need to share with in that relationship or about another one.
Or internally - Write them down, acknowledge and admit things to yourself a bit.
Where we struggle to be vulnerable with others, we likely struggle to be 100% vulnerable with ourselves. So..
Do that every week.Reflect on what happens and how it felt.
Did it lead to more connection?
More understanding?
Show you that the other person struggles to be vulnerable too?
Trust in the process is key.
Essentially..
I try this thing.
Ick, that feels awful but i’ll keep going.
Hm, what happened?
Oh… nothing that bad really…
Maybe being vulnerable is safer than I thought.Be vulnerable with yourself..
Again.
At least once every fortnight or so, i’ll ask myself in my journal..
”What am I avoiding admitting to myself right now?”It might be i’m avoiding to acknowledge how I feel, how much something hurts, how much I want something I don’t feel i’m allowed to want…
It also might be something i’m really afraid of.
Try some of the below ideas..
Here are some extra journal prompts to dig into the blocks that keep you from being vulnerable if that’s your jam:
As your intention to change/behaviour is key — but the blocks that lay under your fear or resistance to it are also essential to process out at the same time to make sure it lasts.
DO A BIG BRAIN DUMP FIRST:
What beliefs/associations or messages do I have about being vulnerable?
eg. Weak, going to be hurt/rejected, too much emotionWhat modelling do i have around vulnerability?
eg. Are my family members too vulnerable, not comfortable with emotions, shamed my emotions, went through a lot of trauma?Is it a fear of vulnerability or is it rejection-sensitivity?
Do I think the person/group/world will see me poorly or hurt me?
Or is it something else?What message does my body send to my brain when I feel vulnerable?
eg. I am scared, I am unsafe, shut down/avoid/back out
After you do this for a little while..
These practices set up a lovely little inner world where you can go
”Ah…
I can let go a bit.
I can put all of that denying, defensiveness, worrying down for a sec.
It’s actually kinda… peaceful?
When i’m not doing alllll of that work to be strong and guarded.
I can breathe”
When we’re trying to be more vulnerable - There can be some underlying things that come up too — we can realise where our edges are. A bit like peeling back layers, you can realise “oh.. I didn’t know I was scared of that but um now i’m here and delved a bit into my vulnerability.. here it is”.
Then you’ll know what to do.
The real shame is that if we don’t do this work and we’re never vulnerable..
We don’t access all the cool stuff like honesty, connection, our intuition and knowing who we are/what we want/what to do.
Be gentle with yourself.
Baby steps.
Take a step.
Notice where your mind + body take you when risk is involved (likely worst case scenario and fear).
And bit by bit by bit, you’ll build up an internal world that knows vulnerability is actually worth it. It can feel like you’re dying.
But it’s life, it’s love.
And that’s what you want, right?
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
Thanks so much for reading.
There’s a lot of stuff that goes on in our subconscious + conscious minds that blocks us from being really good at vulnerability (and maybe even enjoying it!).
Here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
Extra reading/listening…
A podcast for you to listen to if you’re more of a solo learner..
How vulnerability will transform your relationship with yourself - Do You F*cking Mind Podcast
Alexis goes into a bunch of areas including benefits of vulnerability on relationships with others/yourself and the role of epigenetics (neuroscience stuff). Suuuuper good.
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I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
