Building Trust After Family Trauma: How to break down the barriers of your heart in current relationships after hurt
This week is about:
Taking down the barriers you built around your heart.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from the 29th edition of my newsletter, ‘Therapy Thursdays’
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Hey Friends,
Big question for you today…
Sometimes when we’ve been through a lot in our lives..
Whether thats trauma, bad relationships, tough upbringing….
We come out the other side motivated, independent and do A LOT of great work to make sure our life is better than it has been.
Travel, career, finances, experiences, friendships — they’re all your pride and joy.
But sometimes there are little trickles of our past that are left behind.
And these little trickles stop us from being comfortable with intimacy and trust.
We’ve got prettttty much everything..
Except deep, internal stability and secure attachment.
Deep and a bit depressing, I know.
I’ve got some tips, dw.
Let’s go.
But internally still feel scared of vulnerability. This weeks qu is..
❤️
I find that I can be very defensive in relationships, and honestly careless to be left by someone.
How can someone build their trust in relationships when they’ve been failed so many times by their own family?
Okay, I hear you.
I 110% get what you mean because um hi hello this was me (different situation but same hyperindependent struggle with trust) aaaand I would say 95% of my lovely clients also struggle with this one.
Here’s how i’ve conceptualised it to be able to grow through it.
When we’ve grown up in tough family situations, we have to create new identities and shut other parts of ourselves down to keep the family (and ourselves) going without falling into a heap.
For others to survive and be okay, we may play a role that isn’t 110% us (like people pleasing your mum because it sounds like she was in a tough, lonely spot and you likely wanted not to cause any more issues in your family as enough was going on).
For ourselves to survive and be okay, we may put up walls around our heart to protect us.
Pushing people away, saying we’re fine when we’re not and focussing on crushing goals in our career and life that aren’t that emotional so that we can push on and cope.
For a lot of us who survived tricky stuff growing up, these strategies usually work really well!
Until a point.
Until you hit a wall.
Until you have most of what you want, except deep connection and love.
Except relationships with intimacy and stability.
Except inner peace, comfort and security within yourself.
It’s okay, you are not doomed. I promise.
It’s just that those strategies got you to a certain level, and you want to progress in the game now.
So, we need some new strategies.
Firstly,
I want you to make a list of other things that you want other than having a relationship that doesn’t “fail”.
Do you want to be a loving parent?
Do you want to live a life of connection, love, authenticity?
Do you want to feel safe and confident feeling your emotions and being vulnerable?
I 100% get that a healthy, lasting relationship is one of your goals that you feel like your past is blocking you from.
And i’m not saying you can’t create it!
But putting pressure and having that as the end goal is sabotaging you before it’s even started, because at some part you’re likely thinking about the risk of it ending (hence the defensive mechanisms of putting walls up).
K once you have your list..
Identify how and why you learned to believe the things you do.
You probably already have some ideas, but I find the easiest way to do this is to go:
1. A belief I have about people eg. I will always be let down
2. Who/how/when taught me this?
3. What in their lives/self awareness/perspectives/lack of responsibility/low capacity contributed to this? **IMPORTANT STEP!
4. How am I different/proof that others in my life have been different?
5. If none yet.. Leave blank for now.Make peace with the pain.
When you’ve been such a trooper for sooooo long (27 years!!), you might have some resistance around being vulnerable.
Given you were young when these things happened/started, it’s also likely developmentally you weren’t able to process them because you didn’t know how and weren’t shown how (most of us aren’t!).
So we may have a little work to do here.
Same thing as above could be helpful to do to identify your beliefs around vulnerability/emotions/the past
And then developing some regulation strategies to sit with what emotions come up.
If someone hurts you..
What does it mean about you?
Unlovable, unworthy?
Vulnerable?Choose anyway.
This is where we’re using your answers from my first question about what do you want.
SLOW down next time.
Know your patterns (like you sound like you do!)
Feel them coming up
Deal with the threat detection system
Ways to keep going even when triggered
Some extra journal prompts to set you up with if you find yourself triggered:
What stories of my past are limiting my future?
How does vulnerability actually get me closer to my goals?
What could be gained?What are the emotional limitations + mistakes of my parents that I don’t want to recreate?
Eg. Shutting down, not working on themselves etc.
How can I notice I may have these tendencies (genetics and environment are STRONG!!!) but I can also choose differently?
2 MAIN things to takeaway:
1. The inside:
Create space for your experiences on the inside.
Loving and life in general is vulnerable and scary.
2. The outside:
Create with intention and communicate.
You’ve already done it with your career etc., now it’s time to do it with your emotions to get to the next level.
Acknowledge how you feel, it doesn’t matter that it’s “just” a situationship — you are feeling things. That’s okay.
Then move forward slowly,
intentionally creating the relationships and life that you really want.
Instead of relying on someone else to get their sh*t together.
Sending you lots of luck + love,
Ellie
Thanks so much for reading.
There’s a lot of stuff in our subconscious that contribute to situationships happening + really hurting us.
Here are 4 options to keep your growth going!
A podcast for you to listen to if you’re more of a solo learner..
Stephanie goes through attachment wounds and how to slowly rebuild trust (in others + ourselves).
Soooo good!
Need more support?
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Have you got a bursting qu or issue you want some help with?
I’d love to help.
💌Submit it for next weeks newsletter!💌
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I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
