How do we cope with death? Existential anxiety, crisis + dread.
This week is about:
How can we cope with the fact that death is very much a certainty in life?
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
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Hey Friends,
I’m not too sure about you guys, but i’ve heard a lot about sudden, unexpected deaths recently.
Spanning from friends and family of people I know and love, to the plethora of horrendous war on the news.
Death has really been on my mind and to be completely transparent..
It’s freaking me out.
I think we bob through life most of the time pretty asleep to the fact that yes, one day…
We and are loved ones are all going to leave this earth.
And sometimes even worse than that fact..
We have no idea when.
I feel kinda sick even as a type that, if i’m honest.
Let’s explore together how to grapple with the fact of death.
This weeks qu is..
Why is it so hard for me to accept that
death is a part of life?
So, my friend.
I won’t pretend I have all of the answers.
Because well…. I don’t have them and tbh anyone who does say they have the perfect answers to things like meaning of life and death are a red flag walking so..
I think it’s better to take a more open approach to work through this absolute mind mess.
🥀 3 blocks jump out for me with myself and my beloved clients who are struggling with existential dread
or the loss of a loved one.
Our human brains and consciousness CANNOT comprehend it fully.
Legit.
Your brain can’t make sense of it.
The fact that you will not be here, the fact that your loved ones will undeniably leave the earth before or after you.
Think about people who have seen something traumatic involving death or experience sudden loss of a loved one. What happens?
They usually go into shock, shut down emotionally or numb to be able to cope.
So how can we even conceive it when it hasn’t happened yet?
Know that your brain can’t fully grasp it, it’s not just you.
It’s like we lack object permanence but in reverse.. we can’t compute how one can be here one day and then be gone the next.There is emotional resistance going on so we cannot accept it.
Fear, anxiety, anticipatory grief (grieving someone before they pass away).
It’s much easier to ignore and avoid accepting it.
What big fears does this spike for you?
Is it rational (honestly probably is, don’t gaslight yourself — death is weird)
Is there anything you can do now to process those emotions rather than avoiding them so they reduce their grip on you?The meaning of life slaps you in the face (when most days we ignore it).
AKA what is all of this 80 year old existence even FOR anyway?
idk about you but makes mortgages, Linkedin and career planning seem really meaningless and kinda stupid???
I think ignoring that death is always going to come is kind of a good thing, otherwise we’d be spinning into existential spirals every second of the day and not enjoy a single thing in our lives.
So…..
That’s all completely depressing, what can we do?
🌸
Here’s what I find most helpful to find some meaning and peace in the certainty of death 🌷
🤍 Staring my fear right in the eyes and saying
“yeah.. wtf”
I’m terrified somedays.
I’m sure that will continue for a while, until i’m an old wise granny with hair to my butt and something more wise to say (i’ll email you guys an update when this occurs).
The fact that the smartest, funniest, kindest best people I know won’t be here one day — Blasphemy! That’s crazy!
Grief is one of (if not the most) difficult emotions to deal with because there’s nothing to DO with it.
It’s like a giant full stop (period for my north American friends).
⚫
It’s impossible to accept and embrace all the time.
So… don’t force yourself to.
🤍 But if death is a fact..What can you do?
For me, it’s knowing that I don’t want to waste time on dumb stuff.
I want to cherish people, not play games, go all in on my life, relationship and experiences. If it doesn’t work out… fine! I’ll work it out!
Instead of letting fear paralyse us — forgive me for sounding a little hippy-dippy but..
Let it awaken you.
Feel into how alive we ARE.
See your humanity and others humanity as limited and THAT is why it is so freaking special and lovely and fun to life this life.
(PSA We can’t do this all the time, esp. if you’re going through a dark time - don’t force yourself to be toxically positive).
❤️
I went to a poetry event yeaaaars ago and this person was asked why she writes about death because it is such a depressing topic.
She said “no, it’s really not.
Death is the only thing that makes life meaningful".
Think of it this way:
If we didn’t have death..
Would you be excited to take that trip?
If you could do it a million times over until eternity and it lost it’s meaning?
Would you truly cherish the people, the relationships and experiences you have?
Unlikely.
Death gives context and meaning to our lives.
We have to live it, whatever that means for you.
Moving past what holds you back, putting in boundaries, doing scary stuff.
Otherwise we stay stuck, ignoring death — but it comes for us anyway, when
we never really got to live.
And personally I find THAT the most dire outcome.
❤️
Sending you lots of love,
Ellie
Oh also! I’ve got a little podcast rec for you…
This father and son therapist duo just calm my anxieties every podcast ep they do.
Would highly recommend!!!
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I see clients for online counselling Australia-wide for issues with family and relationship trauma, anxiety, depression and life direction issues.
* I am able to see clients outside in Australia in select countries, get in touch to clarify.
I am a specialist in adolescent therapy, after specialising in both my degrees, clinical placements and further training in adolescent, youth and family therapy. I run Professional Development trainings and workshops for fellow therapists working with teen counselling.
