Unlocking Self-Love: Healing from Family Trauma
This week is about:
When we aren’t loveable but wish to love ourselves.
Disclaimer: This newsletter provides general advice for educational and entertainment purposes only, it is not intended to be professional therapeutic or medical advice. Please speak with a registered mental health professional or book a session here to receive professional support.
Hey - This blog post is from the 7th edition of my newsletter, ‘Therapy Thursdays’
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Hey Friends,
When I was in my final year of my masters, I had to do a research project.
I could choose pretty much anything.
So naturally, I chose the light topic of adults who have experienced childhood trauma and grief.
Once I began researching, I found that 99.9% of the research and information out there was all about the pain, suffering and quite frankly awful outcomes for people who have experienced trauma and loss in childhood.
Given my own life story and the fact I want to be in the business of hope and growth, not statistics of doom without a solution..
I decided to switch course.
I switched my topic to how adults can grow after childhood trauma and loss.
And ooooooooh boy, did I find some gold.
I’m thrilled to be able to speak from that knowledge base this week, so let’s get into it..
🌝 🌝 🌝
This weeks qu is..
”Post 5yr relationship, how do we as adults learn to love ourselves when
there’s a history of childhood trauma?
And always received/receive the message that I’m unlovable and love is conditional”
❤️
Learning to love yourself is likely a great leap from where you are.
Now I do not want to be misunderstood - loving yourself is 100% possible.
But how we have been taught to believe and speak about “loving ourselves” sets us up in a trap. It feels unattainable, confusing and just so hard when we are so far from that and haven’t been shown how to do that from our families/society.
When something feels unattainable, we give up and stop trying.
Then we may lose hope.
So, let’s make it a bit more tangible so you’re motivated and hopeful to create that for yourself, shallllll we?!
👀
Human emotions exist on a spectrum.
There’s no scientific method for this, but I find it useful to think about shame at one end of that spectrum and love may be at the other.
eg.
Shame ——————|——————— Love
Obviously there is a lot in between, with neutrality in the middle.
Childhood trauma and relationship hurt conjure up a lot of shame.
Experiencing shame has been identified as a traumatic memory in itself.
Guilt and shame is more likely in adolescents (and later adults) who experience childhood trauma (particularly featuring neglect and harsh parenting).
Now, I don’t know your circumstances now or in the past, but given that shame is so frequent, so painful and so powerful amongst people who have experienced relational trauma..
My best advice is to work your way up to that wonderful place of self love
gradually and slowly.
And here’s how we’re going to do that.
🪐 THE EXERCISE 🪐
Two things to explore..
✍🏻 First a reflective journalling activity
(can also be explored in conversation with a trusted loved one).
✍🏻
When you think of love, what comes up? Put all associated words on the page.
How do you experience it and give to others?
And what are your expectations for how others give love to you?
How do you love others? Is it cultivated, do you put effort in? Do you love others even when they are not at their best?
I’m going to guess you do, or at least try to.
You deserve the same from another.
And love for yourself needs to be like this too.
See what you have written and see what emotions come up.
More than self love, you need to create a new definition of love that you want (not what others have shown you) and cultivate that in a relationship with yourself.
Some things to think about…
Thinking of your child self completely objectively, is there anything inherently unlovable or deserving of love only under certain conditions?
Of course not.
Then why is it so challenging to think of yourself in that way?
Well.. because it’s us and our experience and our minds and bodies and hearts cling onto pieces of information we’ve collected to have a sense of control and direction in the world.
And sometimes that involved picking up all the awful things that were said or shown to you in childhood and making our way into adulthood like that.
But what do you want love to feel like and be like?
And how can you inch towards that on the spectrum?
Maybe it’s going up to neutrality for a while.
Then creeping up to being kind to yourself.
Then showing love to others.
Then before you know it, bit by bit - you create a loving relationship with yourself.
And to top it off..
🤜🏼 The action you’re going to take this week.
Often I find that the deeper work we explore through journalling and therapy needs to be matched with an external action, to get momentum going in your self belief.
Is there something you can do this week that is mildly in the direction of loving yourself?
Maybe it’s simple, like wearing your favourite piece of clothing or feeding yourself a nutritious meal because you deserve to be cared for.
Or maybe it’s a bit larger, like drawing a boundary with someone or communicating a need that is in line with self love.
You probably know what you need to do.
You can absolutely have the love for yourself and others that you wish for.
Go gently.
Lots of love,
Ellie
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